[well, duh.]

seriously. mercury is in retrograde. that explains like, everything.

seriously.

so, I know this is typing and not writing, but the blogging has been pulling at me lately. friday started my first annual best birthday in seattle ever, when laura asked me to go see mike doughty at the triple door - the asking in and of itself was grand, and that guy seriously sad-bastarded my face off. ache, and bottle up the stars, and six-minute songs about one girl in one dress and staring at an ad on the side of a bus. after, because of course I'm figuring she's asked me because everyone else said no, I find out that she sought me out to come specifically. she thought I'd dig it, and besides, she hadn't seen me in a while.

me. laura hadn't seen me in a while. you know, 'cause we're friends now. whatevs, right? right. pinch me. just another friday in the city. shooting the shit with mike doughty for like an hour as the staff cleaned up the triple door, and hugging laura musselman on the fifth floor of a parking lot.

saturday was full of gradually increasing sunshine and a rad fucking game at safeco, even though the mariners lost (they wound up taking the sox at the end of three games, though). friends, and a little sliver of skyline, and garlic and laughing and the whole world felt like love and baseball. even before the garlic part, walking up, just the air and the park and the everything, I found myself like, skipping down the sidewalk. totally excited. freaking out a little. I mean, ollie and I bought fingers, for fuck's sake. he's allowed and all, you know, since he's six and everything. me, well, I am too. but it was kind of funny, all debbie harry blonde chunk of hair and a sasquatch shirt and chucks and a big fucking foam finger. good game, good game, good game.

today I slept until I was done and went to a luncheon-y thing and soaked up the last day of being 32, via some ridiculous sunglasses, a little quickie nap, and a few hours with bree and some of the fiercest gay dudes I've ever met. like, if I wasn't there with her, I'm sure they would have completely slaughtered me. but I was, so they didn't, and it was this bizarre little piece of a movie, where they were all caricatures of themselves on a long white vinyl booth inside. walking down the street with aviator sunglasses and a big pile of gay-badass. and as I type there's a cat on my lap and the iron heating up for laundry so I can go love the fuck out of my job tomorrow.

who's got it better than me? really.

the more I reach back east, the more it affirms my leaving. the more I say yes to everything, the more my life explodes with amazing. the more I show up for the hard parts, the less I have to hate myself. the more I believe in all the little (and big, but those are easier somehow) pieces of myself, the more space I get in my head. and then I remember things like taking care of how I look. and the feasability of dating. and instead of looking around wondering if I'm alright, I look around and tell myself in that moment that I am, and the shit kind of works some magic on the rest of the knots in my head, and... I didn't know it could get this good. I thought maybe it might but that other people got to feel this good and stuff, you know? I didn't know it could all happen to me. it's really slicing all the proverbial fat out of my relationships, because they either fit or they don't, kind of like shoes. only more important than shoes. but then shoes are pretty important I suppose.

I'm just so full of all this good stuff. it must be getting boring to read about. but this downtime, this quiet, this lack of anything - for once - isn't because something is wrong, it's more because everything is right. not aching doesn't mean that I need to be doing something else. kind of like when I thought I couldn't write without red wine. only different.

dammit I'm tired. the iron is going to blow up if I don't go use it, and the loft is beckoning. I'll just finish tonight out in the middle of these old mix tapes, and wish for a little bit that I would have posted something more interesting. but I suppose this might be all I have to say right now. all this, and that I'm compulsively checking to see if the frames are going to go on tour anytime soon. like, twice a week, I'm all over the internets about it. it's sort of ridiculous. but it's my ridiculous. and I love it.

x.