[a sink full of dishes]

one very wise KRDO told me years ago that it was okay to have a sink full of dishes if you were like, reading a book or something. I was trying to dissect the compulsive cleaning factor. she knew me better than I knew myself then, and continues on the same. it's funny how these everyday conversations we have can just stick, and not like glue-stick, like adhered in cement stick. cat on my lap, pile of laundry on my desk, three half-read books and a job I love to love.

and a sink full of dishes. I'm kind of dirty a little bit. but only when it's busy. oh, and said cat thinks I moved out and that I'm just dropping by to visit at night. thinking about writing. swimming about bicycles. sleeping less is more. I can't believe my life right now. painting basements with famous people. slapstick backstage passes just because, 3D mountains bathed in pink lights at sunset, answers, less questions. less worries. hat parties. KEXP at night, and only very early in the (john in the) morning.

I seem to be updating weekly. interesting.

I'm not waiting around for a boy. I'm only going to the shows I really, really like and want to see. I have actual legitimate friends that know enough about me in the time that I've been here to know how I am, and when I'm off, and when to ask if I'm alright and why.

all crying in front of the boss this morning. he's a tough one. the long and short of it is that people that are in my life for this many hours a week consistently are either someone I would share a bed with or someone I would eat out of the same bowl with. fork included, I mean, I'd share it with them. the fork, on top of the thing with the bowl. and when that person is thrust into your life suddenly, little more than a stranger, no bed, no forks - it's hard to find a way to get through conflict. I'm used to hugging it out, or throwing stuff - today I had to schedule a meeting, sit down and ask about expectations and communication, listen to some real facts about my responsive behaviors, and while I was trying to say it all out loud I cried. like an asshole.

I care about this place, and I also care about myself enough to not withstand awful relationships. I just can't. I would rather risk an overshare or some massive amounts of awkward than get to the point where I'm breaking everything I touch because I'm so freaked out. I was starting to feel like I was in front of a firing squad every time he came out of his door. so I told him. and I also told him that I am 110% behind everything he is behind, because he believes in what he does, and talks to our department and says things like how we hold ourselves back because we don't even know the levels of greatness we are capable of. I can tolerate a lot from someone who says (and lives) statements like that, repeatedly, not to be heard, but just because it's their reality.

he told me sometimes that he's just thinking out loud. I told him he thinks out loud in a really abrasive manner. none of it is personal, I have things to take back to my corner and work on, and after a brief sobbing stint on the floor of our big industrial bathroom I come back in to an email that's the closest thing to him telling me I'm doing a good job that he's able to say to me. and it's that he talks to me like he expects me to know what he's talking about because I have met his expectations and not shown signs that I'm incapable of handling what he throws at me. so he's treating me like I should know what he means because he thinks I know what he means. even though we're talking about proteomics labs and all this insanity and spreadsheets the size of a kitchen table.

I suppose some people would say I was inappropriate for having this kind of a discussion with my boss, or that he shouldn't have overshared of his own accord after the fact - but I did, and he did, and today was tremendous. it's much easier to take the hits when you know why they're being thrown, and even moreso when you realize it's just shrapnel from these giant dedicated love-bombs going off at the next desk.

so tired, so happy, so ready to do it all over again tomorrow.

truly in a state of flourish,
vv