"I'm going to blame it on the stars."

as I sit here, open slates, almost too many possibilities, and I get stuck trying to figure out where to start. almost every morning lately I get stuck, standing in the living room, with a big grin on my face. should I go to the gym? to go write? both? do I want to bring anything to read? should I write love letters? watch the sun come up?

7:13 a.m., Pacific Standard Time.

I was just writing back to will, and what I wound up saying was that as I listen to myself describing my life to other people, I start to grin and burst at the seams on the inside... and it's like, everyone here gets it. well, not everyone everyone literally I'm sure, but more people than other places I've been, where you can just start chatting with the person next to you and everyone seems so much more open and kind of mentally aroused... maybe a big part of it is because I am and so I'm more open to it, but still. I think it's different here, like there's something in the water or something. or maybe you don't come here until you like, know. but it's just... I can't even come up with all the right words for it right now. I think part of me is totally overwhelmed (in a good like, orgasm-machine way) that there's so much open and available to me at this very moment, and that it's like that every day. I feel like I need to channel all of this energy someplace, that I need to like, make a Plan.

I think a part of it too that I had all this stuff in my head holding me back - Shelving Issues. And as that starts to subside, as I don't want for anything to be okay - I get all this real estate back up in my head. Big, calm expanses of grass in the breeze, like, bluegrass, and sunshine filmed shots - and that seems to be paving the way for more possibilities. I feel like I don't have anything to write about in the mornings these last few days, but the reality is that all the anxiety and panic about major life decisions has either begun or is well into subsiding, and... and and and so there's all this like, room. like a cluttered house shifted into a clean, empty creaky charming bungalow. so empty that it gets all brimming over with possibilities.

kristin wrote a while back, after she got here, when she wrote for TIG and hit these goals and was like, well, now what?

well. now what?

I want to know what's up with my job, and they know I want to know, and so I'm letting them kind of chew on it, there's been some closed-door conference calls, and a lot of important people will be here from san diego this week (omg I'm on the west coast!!!) and hopefully I'll hear soon. and if not, since right now is officially the end of my temp assignment, I can start pawing around, and what have you. really, I can't see them not keeping me. but okay, so that's like, kind of a concern, but I have the resources and technology to handle however that one goes. so I've thought about it, and figured it out, and it's just like, there.

I need some tights, and I want to make a photo album. I've got to get some salad stuff at the store before I get to work today. um... oh, right, I want to be a photographer, so I'm taking a class, and I fixed my flash situation (read: charged a new one), and I check the KEXP shiftboard as well as all the calendars pretty much daily to see if there's stuff to shoot. I'm up writing practically every day, keeping the slate clean. I've got a stack of books I'm slowly, slowly chipping away at. I'm making big payments on all my bills, and once I have Permanent Employment I can get a consolidation loan and stop throwing away my money. I live in a place, in an environment both in the apartment and in the city that fosters my creative growth, with unlimited cost-effective resources at my fingertips to do pretty much anything I want. and stuff happens like yesterday, where I'm listening to an in-studio and so floored by it that I can get in my car and go there to hear the end of the set and wind up meeting the band and hanging out there for my lunch break. I'm eating better, at a minimum I'm measuring the things that aren't good for me and not eating too much of them. I have like, no items to manage. I should probably get my oil changed. but like, this is my life. these are the most pressing things. I have little art projects I want to do in secret, but I can tell you guys because you're not here and you can't like, steal it from me - I want to do the Monday Morning Photobooth Project, to make Monday Morning Drudgery obsolete. and we're knocking at the door of november, and it's going to be time to start the book. then it will be the holidays, and then the new year.

what else... get rubber cement. send photo cds to stacey. buy cinnamon. send my friends disposable cameras so they can take pictures of cats. it's like, bit by bit, baby step by baby step, I'm re-entering the stream of life. I'm participating. quietly, and in these little ways at first - trying things on. I am This. I am Not That. you know.

I am. I have. I want. I feel like a ballerina today. I am going to start capitalizing my entries, unless I'm like, writing-writing, because I'm tired of thinking about it.

Another gorgeous, perfect Tuesday. I took the title of this entry from the woman here, it's what she said after she fell off a chair pretty dramatically cleaning off posters from the bulletin board, and when she came by and I asked her if she was okay, and she assured me she was, and I told her we were coming out of Mercury retrograde, and the ends and beginnings are harder than the middle. And about how I had like, broken a bunch of glasses and set the parsley on fire and stuff. And as she walked away she was like, "That sounds good. I'm going to blame it on the stars."

That sounds good.

I'm going to blame it on the stars.

xx
VvB