three little letters - bye.
a text message, of all things, to mark the end of an era. like gloria says to me, it doesn't have to be a reset button, or a new book - it's just another chapter. a part of the painting where there's a bumpy, heavy spot from all the layers. new chapter. new month.
new girl. live from seattle. with the buttons to prove it.
I feel like this should be more cathartic, like I should have something more important to say... it's like I'm putting it to bed almost, and the time to wax poetic on it has passed, save for copy and fodder for notebooks and how it was like car wrecks in slow motion and such. I suppose really loving and believing in people isn't my problem, it's the length to which I take it, the layers I involve myself in with boys - that seems to be where it all breaks apart. and not in the good way.
who knows. five years from now I will look back at every second and kiss the ground raf walks on for the proverbial kick in the pants that got the car headed out west. who knows.
and lastly, but firstly, and not leastly (or gamey or mealy in any way, shape or form), my new guest column: I like to call it "nuggets from will". to wit:
OK two re: your latest entry: The sooner you cut all ties with Raf the better off you will be. This means sucking it up and paying off the bills and stop expecting him to contribute. I know you may think something like this is easier for me because I still have money even though I've seen 1/3 of my portfolio fly out the window to credit-crisis-fuck-you-fucking-greedy-Wall-Street-fuckholes-and-with-no-thanks-to-fucking-dickhead-Bush land, and perhaps you would be somewhat right in thinking so, it does not change what I would perceive to be in his mind - which is that you're a million miles away and the debt isn't in his name anyway. I mean, I don't know the cat but I do know people and people even with the best intentions aren't worth shit unless they act. My fear is that all you will get from him going forward is excuses, which will drag this out longer and stave off any REAL healing you need to start to do. And if you do get him to pony up some dough, realize that you have accomplished something seldom if only few people accomplish. To quote Bob Dylan, "Money doesn't talk, it swears." Just own it, literally and figuratively. And then never, ever, do it again.
and
OK four: "It's because they're not you." I have a friend Kristine who frequently wonders and is perplexed why people do or do not do the things they do, which would be the things she would or would not do given any particular situation. The only answer I give her at this point is that "it's because they're not you." To put your own ideations into people and expect them to actually come to fruition will usually only lead you to frustration and disappointment. This is even more important for you now because you are seeing through new eyes. My point here is that you need to focus on you - and only you - if you really want to start to really heal, regardless if he's self-medicating his relationship loss (to distract him obviously, and ease the pain) with a dead-end girl. He wouldn't be the first person to lie to himself. And he does the things you're not doing because he's not you. His life is his choice, as yours is yours. It's his business and none of yours, despite any caring you still feel (and will always on one level or another) for him. Don't focus on what you think he needs to learn, focus on what you need to learn.
and
OK five: ...Put him in your caller ID as "Trouble" so you know not to pick up the phone when he calls for whatever reason. DO NOT go to his freakin' MySpace page! I mean, what the fuck are you thinking you masochistic, self-flagellating idiot? The sooner you do all of this the better off you will be, although much easier said than done. Unlike a gay cowboy, YOU MUST quit him. Now.
way to be direct! keep it coming, kids. I never really mastered distinterest, or subtlety, for that matter.
and the cutest series of email signature quotes:
"A thought is a behavior to be treated the same as any other behavior." ~ Dr. Phil
"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." ~ Jim Horning
"Just do it." ~ Nike
we secretly *heart* dr. phil. sometimes. a woman at a meeting told me to pick up the book that the guy that wrote "he's just not that into you" wrote, called "you broke up because it's broken", although that makes me feel like it's too much energy focusing on something that should have long since been departed. I'd rather be working my way up to the zen of __________, some juicy life-altering deliciousness kristin has left for me to randomly stumble upon. at this rate, I'm going to have to start eating books like bananas if I want to keep up.
I am not going to go on myspace for 30 days. if I'm using myspace for bands, I can go on band sites to hear music without logging in. 'nuff said. day one, half over. it only hurts for a second, I've heard them say.
I think.
kiss kiss, door slam in the silent grey afternoon, an engine starting and fading out down the street -
VvB
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