so for two weeks now I've had the luxury of just writing at will (well, 3 weeks, with the driving) and now today it's up-and-out to get to work on time - and it's like dishes piling up or trash that has to go out. I'm filled up, all words rattling around, all needing time to open up and bleed onto the page (screen).
and now that I'm taking five minutes this morning I'm feeling all pressured, because I've got to get ready, so I'm thinking about how much time I have and not what's got to come out. ugh. getting up early really is the way to go - at least I'll know for next week.
as an aside, tonight should be a blast, work and then meeting deb (and janet too, I think) for jesse sykes and the sweet hereafter at the outdoor amphitheater at the space center. free. just like last night, super free awesomeness, all warm summer nighttime up on top of a building after a gorgeous scooter ride and the best cupcakes a girl could ask for. all singing tiny dancer. all heartbreak and perfect movie lines, one after the next after the next.
so what's rolling around... I'm not getting to enough meetings. at first I was just kind of stunned, laying there with the wind knocked out of me, and now it's somewhere between stunned and unmotivated or other fun thing to do on whatever night it is. with this job stuff lined up, temporary as it may be, I've got to get serious about a dedicated schedule that includes getting to meetings. like tonight, there's one I can go to at 8:30, but dammit, I really want to be hanging outside seeing this band - and I know that I wouldn't be able to do any of this without being sober, but part of it is feeling like I just got out of jail. from watching movies in a cat carrier, all breaking open with nowhere to go, or maybe like a fat kid home from diet camp - I just want everything. and I want it on my terms.
I've also got to go easy on myself, because Things Take Time and I know I'll adjust. there's a morning meeting about a minute from where I work, and I know that on top of meetings that I can learn how to make the time to write and pack healthy lunches and all that. oh, and there's and applying for more jobs, since this is just a temp gig, so I've got to make the time for that too (and adjust from spending from 8 - 12 doing that after I've written for an hour at Victrola, because it just isn't on the table anymore). I forgot about that part.
it's all stuart smalley time, all looking at myself in the mirror, telling myself it's okay to have needs. I need time to adjust. it's funny how all I see sometimes are setbacks and failures and everything I'm not doing. you know, off for close to three weeks, I have a temp job twelve days after I get here, and suddenly I'm not good enough because I don't know how to have a perfectly balanced schedule. like, immediately. I just don't know how to give myself a break.
I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. and I'm capable of better time management. (I fuck like you want to fuck. I'm free in all the ways that you are not.) I feel like there's more to write, and I have to run. good thing it's the weekend! tonight will be full but in a good way, and then there's two days to regroup.
you know, from everything. because my life is so tragic and difficult.
xx
LG
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