I had all these good intentions last night - I set the alarm a half-hour earlier, I made plans with myself to go write at lladro or wherever the morning saw fit, and then I had these pressing, awful nightmares that took away like, two hours of my night last night. it sucked. and I'd much rather be writing about it from a chair out in the world in a cafe, but I just couldn't move this morning. the good news is that I was up and functioning at 6:30 instead of 7, so I will have to be patient with myself, and be okay with steady improvement. or maybe I just get to tell myself that so that I don't feel lame about my lack of progress. or something.
but there's not a lack of (color) progress here at all. and I will not take the time and space to recount all the things I'm doing right, because I know them, and people remind me, and kristin reminds me, and it's not all out the window from one stall-out in the driver's seat. you don't shut your whole life down, you just restart the car and go.
hi. I'm going.
my head is full of moments from fight club, illusions, truths, hopes, and fears. I was almost there, he says so earnestly. I was almost complete. if I could only find the right wardrobe... I think fight club should be like, mandatory weekly viewing. like it should replace a meeting night. sundays = pot luck and fight club. only we're not allowed to talk about it, so I can't tell you anything else.
so now it's 7, and if I get up at 6:30 all week I might make some progress. I am okay with that. and the nightmares are ridiculous, and they've always got the same theme. the whole time, from the beginning of the dream, I know in the dream that it's going to be a nightmare. this time, I was staying someplace, there was a boy and a car and getting dropped off or stopping my by grandmother's old house in new jersey, and then leaving. and there is always some kind of direct or far-off interaction with the villain, who is always the slow-approaching, creepy, michael meyers horror movie type. this time, I actually said hi and called him john, or uncle john or something, maybe it was bob? but in the dream I'm like, that's the wrong name. he's the bad guy. why aren't they yelling cut and redoing the scene? and then I'm wherever I am, a hotel room or apartment or whatever, and I know the bad guy is coming, and I see a shadow all looming outside the window (that I've locked and bolted, so that I have time to get away, because I know it's all coming) so I take off, and I wake myself up. it is the strangest thing. and then if I fall back asleep in the same position, the dream will re-start, sometimes the setting changes, but it's always a repetition of that moment when I'm aware of what's going on and trying to stop it or get away. sometimes it gets to the point where I start telling other people about it. and always - always - when I wake up from a nightmare, I am flat on my back, which is why I always sleep on my side.
so, settings notwithstanding, it's always all crazy like that - the dreams. bizarre. I don't know what that means.
on to the morning. this is National Nesting Week, and I am declaring it annually so, where we get our literal houses in order (weather permitting, meaning it must be lousy out to really engage in it). kristin moved like, the entire apartment, completely rearranged, in the time it took me to get a bag of stuff at qfc and come back. and it's awesome. and her room looks bigger with stuff in it. and the living room is all spaced out and ready for the fort. so far, we're picking that up on thursday, and I've got about 40 emails (well, like, 15 really) out about mattresses and wardrobes. the killer-ass wardrobe deal, where we'd be getting like, the greatest wardrobes ever for the best price this side of I don't know what, hasn't written back. but there's a few other ones that will do, and I think the mattress thing should be all set. then as long as I can score a little table / desk thing and dresser, it's game on. I can't wait for the part where it's all curtains and tiny lights and posters. !!!!!!!!!
that's it, kids. nightmares, National Nesting Week 2008, and then Bumbershoot. Oh Em Eff Gee. oh, and super-fresh amazing salads. and mud.
xx
V.
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