It’s a little extra quiet this morning, only two other people in here and they forgot to put the music on (even though I asked, it has been steadily busy though).
It’s a little extra quiet in my head today too. Not extra, just more than yesterday… like someone turned the radio down or something. The minute I start to participate in being better / healthier / etc., it’s like the Universe kicks all this energy back at me and stuff shifts right away. Just a little, but enough to prove to me that I’m not just making this all up.
I hate it when people wear their sunglasses inside when it’s not even at all remotely necessary.
So all I did was get honest, and ask for help, and take a step back from throwing people under the bus (because I think that will make me feel better) and that’s really it. Oh, and I went to the gym. And I ate good food the last few days. I am being a bad cat mom though, I keep running out of wet food and the little babes are standing in the kitchen yowling at me and I put kibble and promises down on their placemat and they look at me like I’m insane. I can’t keep buying all this crazy gourmet stuff for them, and it’s only at a few specialty stores, so I switched them back to Natural Balance which is always on the list of top 5 foods and one of the few things they will consistently eat every single flavor of without hesitating. You’d think Buddy wouldn’t have such a discerning palate, what with living outside and all, but no. He will knock his plate right over, and then proceed to go after ChaCha with everything he’s got. Like guys, when they get hungry and they get all bonkers – it’s like I need to feed him 3 or 4 times a day or something.
Blink. Blink. Blink. A penny for your thoughts…
There was a girl at the meeting last night who, while crazy and overtanned and high more than she is not, came in and sat down halfway through, and when they asked for any burning desires she said she had just found out her mom had cancer. And she cried, and she talked about how it’s hard to even just say anything or ask her for anything because she feels so horrible about it, like how do you yell at your mom over cleaning your room (she’s nineteen) when she might be dying, you know? And my heart just went out to her, and then I was like, shit – do I go talk to her? Hand her my number, pat her on the back and go, well, my mom didn’t make it, but I sure do have a lot of experience with that, so call me if you want – and I said I didn’t know what to do and Abbey was immediately like, I’ll go with you – just like that. Poof. She’s really starting to get it beyond the first part of getting it. So we go up to her, and I’m all, I wanted to make sure you had our numbers, and I said, I know how hard it is, it’s like you can’t even ask for your favorite dinner because you feel like you can’t ask anything, and her tears just all spilled over and I just wanted to cry with her – and what came out of my mouth was something like, look – you’re going to get a lot of advice, but the most important thing for you to do is to take care of yourself so that you can be there for her, whether it winds up being big stuff or little stuff. And that face, all screwed up with the pain of fresh tears, just broke my heart. But it’s like something else took over for that ninety seconds, and just let me help her. I walked away with Abbey and let out a big sigh that I didn’t even know was in me, like letting go of a balloon, and I walked out to my car in the cold.
They just got the music working at Starbucks and it came blaring out and just assaulted everybody, when they turn it on in the back they can’t hear it… it happens almost every time. It’s funny.
I’ve been wearing the same jeans for three days, and there’s a whole pile of clean stuff sitting on drying racks at the end of my bed.
It’s just so nice to do this every morning, to take the time to get in touch – it’s been about a week now I think, and it’s definitely shifting on that level as much as everything else.
I finally found a happy medium with my nails, fake ones looked so gross and then I felt like they didn’t fit all the time with how I felt and who I was right then, and not having them made me bummed sometimes because when they did fit how I felt, they looked so pretty. So I treated myself to a pedicure for the first time since summer, or maybe the second, and I found out about silk wraps – so it’s just a layer of literal silk over your nails that they put this adherent stuff under and over, and it’s like my nails, only stronger, and I leave them a nice light color, and they’re so good you could leave the polish off if you want, and it costs the same as shitty acrylics. And I can be wearing whatever I want and they always match how I feel, because they are just all my nails almost, and I don’t feel awkward.
I miss smoking sometimes.
I’m feeling a whole lot less pain today than I have for the last two weeks… it’s just all about participation, doing the work – I can’t just sit around and wait to get struck healthy.
I’m feeling like I’m running out of things to say. My mind retains the funniest moments, not ha-ha funny but the little movies that play are of the oddest, most inconsequential things sometimes – of course now I can’t think of one of them. All these little crazy snapshots. Pictures of the house I grew up in, but of nothing in particular.
Now there’s all this commotion, there’s eight people all around where I am all of a sudden. Maybe I’m out of words. I should go.
vvb
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