monday, monday

morning pages, kind of. what's three pages in longhand condensed to typing? I have no idea. I just know I need to get up and write.

I missed mary and tom brosseau last night, they were at bar and were supposed to come and stay here, and I was too sick to let them come. tom, having to sing for a living, and probably doing a fine job of it last night, just shouldn't be anywhere near someone who has turned into a frog (or at least sounds like one). I'm so sad that I couldn't be with them, and that I couldn't have them stay here - there's always next time I guess.

I have to be honest here, I'm scared about money. really. it's not like raf doesn't provide for me, or that there's something I need that I'm not getting - but there's just something about your parents, that back-up, that just in case kind of thing... it's just another level of fear that's floating to the surface in all of this mess. my sister and I will each be getting a check in a few months, and I'm going to throw half of it at a credit card and put the other half in like, a cd or something, but to think that that's it - done - fini - is almost paralyzing. I'm a big girl and everything and I can take care of myself, it's just... it's more of an emotional thing at this point.

I have a whole bunch of stuff to do today that I don't want to do. real life stuff, work stuff, art show stuff, sponsee stuff - and raf's sister is having her baby... I think about now (scheduled c-section). like I wrote last night, it's hard and good to leave the house all at once. I've been doing close to nothing, and as I start to function again, it feels good - and at the same time, the more I do, the more real it makes it that my mom is gone. because it still feels like underwater, like a movie, like it's happening to somebody else. and then I get these moments and these snapshots and I'm like, fuck - this is real, isn't it? and I lose it. this morning is one of those times where it feels kind of abstract, which is how it is most of the time.

it's cold out. I hate the weather here. I can't wait to go to arizona, even though I tried on some bathing suits yesterday and it made me want to kill myself. what else is rattling around in my head... oh, I want to write my life story I think. I'm realizing that the shit that I've done and been through would make for some pretty interesting reading, for me at least - from growing up like a square peg to driving cross country with a part-time stripper to recovery and all sorts of stuff inbetween. I feel like I'm in a movie all the time, so I might as well write one, right?

I'm going to put in a few hours at outside world stuff and see how it goes. more to follow.

v.