after hints from one ms. donovan, yes, I know - it's been like, foevah since I updated. my bad.
so what's different?
they blew up the coliseum, for starters. like, saturday. ba boof ba boof ba boof and all these explosions, we muted the TV and opened the window and we could hear it all the way in east rock. it's still a massive pile of rubble - the chunks are so big, abbey commented that she thought it would have been in much smaller pieces. I didn't know what she meant until we drove by and then I saw it too... just weird. photos to follow.
we're moving. this is the first apartment I've stayed in longer than a year since I got sober, and for a while before that too. home, then hamden, then branford, then the house, then branford again, then here. which has cleared a year and a half. before I got sober, it was hotels, then florida, then wallingford... then home, and then cross country and lake place with kristy in new haven before that. fucking transient chaos bullshit. no wonder why I'm all fucked up.
speaking of, I'm off wellbutrin. and it's good. all around good. the only thing I've noticed that's come back, besides a slowly recovering sex drive, is a slowly returning... uncertainty. should I be here? should I be doing this? do I want to do that? should we move to rhode island? will I be able to live in new york city at some point in my life? it's contained, to the "what am I doing with my life" arena.
***
So where did I leave off? Oh yes - I was wondering. About everything. And then I had to go.
See, sitting here at school, I am Doing Something, even though right now, I am Killing Time Between Classes. I set my schedule up like this, 12:40 - 2 and then 3:45 - 5, so that I'd have designated Homework Time. But it's the first day, and I'm not hungry, and I just spent the last extra money I had in the world on books, so I might as well be updating. (Note to self, make a bumper sticker that says, "I'd rather be updating my blog", or something that's a little catchier than that.) But yeah - this is the whole, is what I'm doing a means towards something, and this is. But when I was on the WB, I didn't have to convince myself several times a week that my life was alright. Now, I have to sit down and go through timelines and processes and everything to arrive at a state where I feel okay. Where I'm not ready to blow my brains out because I've never been to Italy, or because I'm not a millionaire. If I could have that, without the agitation, and the general feeling of a toxin in my system, I would have stayed on. Maybe I should just go talk to someone again, to help untie the knots.
Mark Twain. "Mark the twine." I learned that today. I fucking love my teacher. And, for English 102 at least, I'm not the only grown up student in the class. They're talking and participating and everything. It was awesome. To think, I get to do this twice a day for like, four months. Seriously!
So, as I get all set to digress, it turns out I'm wonderful. As are Things, My Relationship, My Perpetually Improving State of Debt, and so forth. My mom is having a shitty time with this chemo, so that's the big shitter in all the goodness. She doesn't want to leave the house much, and is feeling much more physically sick than she has from other treatments, and it sucks. That, and on a much smaller scale, I didn't get to go to see the Wrens on Friday. I could have, but it was mad late, and I would have had to go alone, and I was just not up to it.
I think I want to go into some kind of counseling. Not drug and alcohol stuff, but like, maybe grief counseling or PTSD stuff or what have you. I don't want my days to be about money, selling, buying, processing, etc. unless it's mandatory. And it's only mandatory if I say so. So, I say it's not. I say that Things shall be Wonderful. Funny, how I think that it's not my decision to make and all... like life is happening To me instead of what I'm Making It To Be.
Fucking books. Balls.
More to follow. Today is more packing, Branford on Wednesday, home stretch on Thursday night, and then I start moving things in on Friday with Abbey. Domestic bliss, here we come! ;)
Love and corners I haven't cleaned in a year and a half,
V.
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