That's about what it takes to get me out of bed and into work these days. "You are in process," I say to myself. That this is not it, tempered with the fact that now is all I have, and so forth. Scrubbing the walls of a coffee shop during vacation week is not all I am. But it's a means to an end, and it also fares well to the "is what I am doing getting me towards my goal" thing Kristin talks about. I have to constantly remind myself of these things, so I don't wake up and ask myself what the fuck I'm doing with myself. Especially on the five a.m. days.
So, hi. I don't think I need medication, and not in the thinking you don't need medication because you're all better way. It's more like the not being able to tell if I need it anymore or not if I'm still on it way. And every day that goes by feels a little bit better. It just started to go from feeling like it was helping and fixing to feeling like a toxin that was causing problems. It sounds so strange, but it was like I could literally feel the days that that changed and all of a sudden I wanted it out. So it's on the way out. More to follow, but as far as I can tell, it doesn't feel like the other times I didn't want to take it anymore, where I pretty much emotionally seized up at the lack of it in my system.
I've put on about six or eight pounds from holiday eating. Totally disgusting. It's been a blur of cookies and cakes and pasta (sorry, "macaroni") and now it's back to the gym. Like, now. Literally. Well, after work tomorrow, but still. I'd love to just start walking everyplace but when it's that early in the morning, I want the extra fifteen minutes of sleep. And most of the other stuff I need to do is too far away.
I feel like I have nothing to write about, but I know I need to write. I woke up to mornings of pink skies and shattered clouds, had multiple events of deja vu, I got promoted, I'm filled with the anticipation of a new space looming, and I've finally managed to get some sleep. My photography is up as part of the staff art show at Koffee?, and I'm beside myself. My coworkers are actually anticipating my full show in April. I need a pedicure. I wouldn't mind a pair of jeans that fit me properly. My new organizer from Target is the tits. And I think it's time for bed.
I've heard it said alot that nobody gets a free ride. So here's to hard work in 2007, bitches.
~Victoria
Leave a comment