January 2007 Archives

after hints from one ms. donovan, yes, I know - it's been like, foevah since I updated. my bad.

so what's different?

they blew up the coliseum, for starters. like, saturday. ba boof ba boof ba boof and all these explosions, we muted the TV and opened the window and we could hear it all the way in east rock. it's still a massive pile of rubble - the chunks are so big, abbey commented that she thought it would have been in much smaller pieces. I didn't know what she meant until we drove by and then I saw it too... just weird. photos to follow.

we're moving. this is the first apartment I've stayed in longer than a year since I got sober, and for a while before that too. home, then hamden, then branford, then the house, then branford again, then here. which has cleared a year and a half. before I got sober, it was hotels, then florida, then wallingford... then home, and then cross country and lake place with kristy in new haven before that. fucking transient chaos bullshit. no wonder why I'm all fucked up.

speaking of, I'm off wellbutrin. and it's good. all around good. the only thing I've noticed that's come back, besides a slowly recovering sex drive, is a slowly returning... uncertainty. should I be here? should I be doing this? do I want to do that? should we move to rhode island? will I be able to live in new york city at some point in my life? it's contained, to the "what am I doing with my life" arena.

***

So where did I leave off? Oh yes - I was wondering. About everything. And then I had to go.

See, sitting here at school, I am Doing Something, even though right now, I am Killing Time Between Classes. I set my schedule up like this, 12:40 - 2 and then 3:45 - 5, so that I'd have designated Homework Time. But it's the first day, and I'm not hungry, and I just spent the last extra money I had in the world on books, so I might as well be updating. (Note to self, make a bumper sticker that says, "I'd rather be updating my blog", or something that's a little catchier than that.) But yeah - this is the whole, is what I'm doing a means towards something, and this is. But when I was on the WB, I didn't have to convince myself several times a week that my life was alright. Now, I have to sit down and go through timelines and processes and everything to arrive at a state where I feel okay. Where I'm not ready to blow my brains out because I've never been to Italy, or because I'm not a millionaire. If I could have that, without the agitation, and the general feeling of a toxin in my system, I would have stayed on. Maybe I should just go talk to someone again, to help untie the knots.

Mark Twain. "Mark the twine." I learned that today. I fucking love my teacher. And, for English 102 at least, I'm not the only grown up student in the class. They're talking and participating and everything. It was awesome. To think, I get to do this twice a day for like, four months. Seriously!

So, as I get all set to digress, it turns out I'm wonderful. As are Things, My Relationship, My Perpetually Improving State of Debt, and so forth. My mom is having a shitty time with this chemo, so that's the big shitter in all the goodness. She doesn't want to leave the house much, and is feeling much more physically sick than she has from other treatments, and it sucks. That, and on a much smaller scale, I didn't get to go to see the Wrens on Friday. I could have, but it was mad late, and I would have had to go alone, and I was just not up to it.

I think I want to go into some kind of counseling. Not drug and alcohol stuff, but like, maybe grief counseling or PTSD stuff or what have you. I don't want my days to be about money, selling, buying, processing, etc. unless it's mandatory. And it's only mandatory if I say so. So, I say it's not. I say that Things shall be Wonderful. Funny, how I think that it's not my decision to make and all... like life is happening To me instead of what I'm Making It To Be.

Fucking books. Balls.

More to follow. Today is more packing, Branford on Wednesday, home stretch on Thursday night, and then I start moving things in on Friday with Abbey. Domestic bliss, here we come! ;)

Love and corners I haven't cleaned in a year and a half,

V.

That's about what it takes to get me out of bed and into work these days. "You are in process," I say to myself. That this is not it, tempered with the fact that now is all I have, and so forth. Scrubbing the walls of a coffee shop during vacation week is not all I am. But it's a means to an end, and it also fares well to the "is what I am doing getting me towards my goal" thing Kristin talks about. I have to constantly remind myself of these things, so I don't wake up and ask myself what the fuck I'm doing with myself. Especially on the five a.m. days.

So, hi. I don't think I need medication, and not in the thinking you don't need medication because you're all better way. It's more like the not being able to tell if I need it anymore or not if I'm still on it way. And every day that goes by feels a little bit better. It just started to go from feeling like it was helping and fixing to feeling like a toxin that was causing problems. It sounds so strange, but it was like I could literally feel the days that that changed and all of a sudden I wanted it out. So it's on the way out. More to follow, but as far as I can tell, it doesn't feel like the other times I didn't want to take it anymore, where I pretty much emotionally seized up at the lack of it in my system.

I've put on about six or eight pounds from holiday eating. Totally disgusting. It's been a blur of cookies and cakes and pasta (sorry, "macaroni") and now it's back to the gym. Like, now. Literally. Well, after work tomorrow, but still. I'd love to just start walking everyplace but when it's that early in the morning, I want the extra fifteen minutes of sleep. And most of the other stuff I need to do is too far away.

I feel like I have nothing to write about, but I know I need to write. I woke up to mornings of pink skies and shattered clouds, had multiple events of deja vu, I got promoted, I'm filled with the anticipation of a new space looming, and I've finally managed to get some sleep. My photography is up as part of the staff art show at Koffee?, and I'm beside myself. My coworkers are actually anticipating my full show in April. I need a pedicure. I wouldn't mind a pair of jeans that fit me properly. My new organizer from Target is the tits. And I think it's time for bed.

I've heard it said alot that nobody gets a free ride. So here's to hard work in 2007, bitches.

~Victoria