so I'm writing in my head, like, all the time. titles and paragraphs and moments, and I'm always like, oh, I'll remember that. I'll write that down later. and sometimes I get some of it back, but usually not.
right. hi. so here I sit, with a head full of great intentions, and nothing at my fingertips. I don't want to sit and write a bunch of blah blah blah and this happened and that happened, but I guess that will have to do. dammit.
so it's christmastime everywhere in all the stores. and I'm brimming with great ideas, from photographs to jarred brownie mixes and spicy breads and homemade soaps. martha stewart had this magazine at the checkout that I picked up the other day, seven dollars (!) but it was so worth it. how do you wrap a loaf of bread? she knows. it all started walking home from work the other day, and I stopped into this chinese herbs and teas and whatnot place, and they had these little soaps up at the counter in pretty papers that smelled all good... and I was like, dude. I can make that. I can totally make that. so I sat and did a list the other night, and the nice thing about it is all the people you really can't afford to by for but would love to give a little something to - well, now I can. a few scarves, a few loafs, these killer looking merengues in clear jars, rice paper, a bunch of thread, and we're in business.
raf and I have put a limit on our shopping, seventy five dollars, and my mom and sister and brother-in-law are all twenty. I found some great little things already - it just makes you get so creative. while they're great and everything, there's not a lot of thought behind going into the gap or circuit city or something and dropping a few hundred dollars. don't get me wrong - all that stuff is plenty nice - but there's something about handing someone cool homemade stuff and going, here, I took the time to make this for you. really. I have a few ideas for raf, which I can't quite go into detail about here... but I'm sure we'll come up with some good stuff. it's all about listening. ask kristin about the year I sent her the joni mitchell cd.
so, yeah. I made no-pudge brownies today, we're going to the gym together tomorrow, and I feel good about it. I've been donating about twenty dollars a month to planet fitness without attendance since spring... before that, I was there all the time. oops. I've managed to maintain my weight, but without working out, and you really just can't eat a whole lot. and I love to eat. so off to the gym we go.
see what I mean? this is all great and everything, but it's not all the writing in my head. well, it is, but still.
there's a girl that put her photos up at the coffee shop that has showed me exactly what not to do. 8x10 minimum, wide mats, chunky frames, matte finish. not like I didn't know that already... but yeah. she has about thirty photos up, there should be about half of them, twice as big as they are. I'm so grateful I can send shots to kristin and go, okay: which of these are good pictures, and which ones are just good memories? my eye, in that respect, is increasing ever so slightly.
I'm getting tired. we got a lot of errands done this morning, and I almost feel like dropping out for a nap for a little while...
I'm learning a lot of lessons lately. you know, like when to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em... it's so helpful to have been sober for a while and to be coherent enough for this much time to be able to draw back on my prior experiences. I've had a series of events happen in the last few weeks that are almost identical to what happened at this time last year, and I can really, really see how much I've changed. and how then, I really meant what I said, and how now, it really is different. it's brought me to a few conclusions: mostly that I made the most progress in sobriety early on, not only because there was such a massive amount of change, but because I was going to some really good meetings. and I had fallen into a bunch of young people's meetings, over the last year or two, and finally - finally I changed my meetings up and there was an earth shattering difference in a matter of days. days! and as those last few meetings still linger around that I have yet to change, it's almost like I'm getting pushed away - in a good way - to go do more and better things for my recovery. life is short, and there's much too much important stuff to do to get caught up in all the bullshit. I love my life, I love raf - I'm in a partnership, moreso than just a relationship - I love my family and I'm really feeding the things that are furthering who I am: education, creativity, hard work, and self love.
it's amazing the space that's been freed up from not wondering what I should be doing all the time and second guessing my every everything. and on top of that, to sit with friends and sponsees, to listen to my words come out of their mouths, and to be able to say, but that happened to me, and it got better. and I don't know what exactly will happen to you, but I know what it feels like to feel like nothing is ever going to feel different, and to feel like you can't remember what it was like to not have whatever it is going on... and then to wake up one day to find out you really and truly have changed. things really do pass. things really do change.
another thing I've noticed is how much less of a doormat I am. it's amazing. I don't have to get walked on - I have a voice, and I can use it. I also have some sorts of restraint that allow me to not go psychotic on people who have wronged me, while it does process and manifest out in other ways (like, normal getting upset, etc.) it's definitely not the full-force freakouts of times past.
there was something else I wanted to add but my mind has gone blank...
oh, and on top of all that, my mom is buying the timeshare off me. go figure.
I'm hitting too many walls in my head, so I'm going to get moving. we're having dinner at my mom's around 3.
kisses,
v.
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