organized chaos

I saw this documentary a long time ago about the chaos theory, and fractals, and fractal geometry, and I've written about it before. Long story short: there's patterns in the chaos. Seemingly random unfurlings and happenings are actually quite planned, following strange little patterns, and slowly becoming obvious.

Unfurling. When you watch fractals develop, it seems like the perfect word for it. Because that's exactly what they're doing.

So I'm in the sleep much be cranky girl time, which leads to frustrated rushed mornings and too-late schoolnights. And like Kristin and I emailed about this morning - what seems so random, and so shapeless, turns out to be quite... well, quite not like any of that at all. Things are changing. I'm in the middle of The Week. I'm sure these were the same "random" happenings as they were about this time last month... and on top of that, there are plenty of things that have become a Normal Part Of My Day that really aren't normal at all. Things in today's schedule include stopping by the hospital to see my mom, which feels like just another part of the process of a Monday, but really, it's not regular at all. The everyday things I go through would floor other people. Life is hard. I deal with it. And I wonder why I have to shut down every once in a while to regroup - and then I am pushed to write consistently, and then more puzzle pieces fall right into place.

So here we sit.

I used to spew my guts all over a yellow legal pad most of my waking hours. I also used to chase a perpetual blackout with complete disregard for every single interpersonal relationship in my life. I used to be skinny. I was also sixteen then, and unhealthy. I bought tank tops in Goodwill this weekend so I'd have stuff to wear to work when I'm covered in bleach... currently still on the lookout for a pair of army colored boy's cargo shorts though. I fumble. I leave love notes for my boyfriend. I'm still pretty judgemental and uncompromising when people are completely full of shit and calling it something else. Things are so transparent - which means I must be too...

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