caution: cat walking on keyboard

well, she was a second ago. apparently, according to kristin, there is some kind of software - that has been researched, marketed, created, whatever - that knows the patterns likely to be a cat walking across the keyboard. bizarre.

on another note, kristin has been doing tremendous at regular updates. I missed sunday, or saturday, or whenever it was. I also find myself trying to type properly with uppercase letters where appropriate, and when I'm tired or trying to get something down before I forget, that I don't do it. I don't know if it's lack of discipline or just how it's supposed to be, and I'm not going to give myself a hard time about it. I give myself a hard time about lots less lately. but, yeah. point being, I don't have to feel bad that I'm not writing like she does or that I'm not consistent (at all, ever) with morning pages or that I haven't put up photos in a while. I'm working on it. it's (they're) coming along. a whole website full of them, in fact.

point being - I went through a massive comparison stage of my insides vs. other people's outsides. and I just let it rip - I stayed "crazy" for a good few months. talking, talking, crying, talking, crying, sleeping, and sleeping. and full frontal crazy time. and it's like it got out of my system somewhat. so I don't know if I'm more laid back or if I'm in love and learning alot about myself and how to be in a relationiship or because I have like, four sponsees or what - whatever it is, it's a welcome shift. when I was filling out my paperwork for k? today, there was this impossibly in-shape awesome tattoo having cool outfit wearing tornado of a girl that was the shift leader - and I was like, omg, what am I going to wear on friday? and then it all rushed in, almost immediately: you're not her. you're you. you'll wear whatever. since when do you care? and it was just such a relief. and they were like, come back here and make your own iced tea, and I'm all, I don't know how, I've worked in offices my whole life! where do you keep the cups? and aforementioned girl goes, so why are you getting a job here? and I go, well, I've decided not to do anything as much as I can help it that isn't in line with who I want to be, and when I dyed my hair pink, they suddenly thought I wasn't capable of doing my job anymore, so - insert audible gasp from her and two other baristas, I'm not kidding - I'd rather work somewhere that fosters me being who I am, you know? and it was what I said on the spot. and I meant it. and that doesn't mean I have to work fifty hours a week in a coffeehouse, but it does mean I can get involved in the entry level of an environment that is everything but what I have now - even if for a hundred bucks a week and a blank slate in which to be myself. and maybe I'll get to help with the art stuff, and maybe not. and maybe I'll get to play my cds, and maybe not. and maybe I'll get to help book some bands, and maybe not. but it's a step in the right direction, and other than not knowing how to make espresso, I'm not balking about it. I'm a little nervous, but it's no more nervous - I don't think - than I'd be waitressing for the first time or doing anything for the first time. what do I have to lose? debt. insecurity. a job that doesn't like my piercings. as far as I can tell, those may very well be the exact things I wouldn't mind being lost.

as an aside, I have to train for two hours friday. "hey, and bring your cds!" my manager says, as he heads out the door.

brilliant. too bad it's only $7.50 an hour, or I would do it all the time.

so, my contacts are dry, I've got a slew of preventative maintenance doctors appointments coming up, and I'm not looking forward to some of them. I'm so high risk for so many things that I have to be monitored more than most 30 year old females. wednesday is my measles shot for my college stuff, thursday is therapy, friday is new job training, monday is a routine all-around blood test (yucky! I hate that part), tuesday is a pelvic ultrasound, and that doesn't count the mammogram or dermatologist appointments I haven't made yet. and don't even get me started on the genetic testing, under which I could find out if I am predisposed to (and therefore able to prevent) a few different kinds of cancers - but not having elective surgeries on the spot could hinder my insurance in the future should anything go wrong. example? I do the test, and find out I am genetically predisposed to having ovarian cancer - which means it's highly likely I'll get it, regardless of my state of health, which can help me tremendously, but still doesn't get me out of the high risk category. I either (a) have a radical hysterectomy, never have children, and deal with the emotional repercussions of doing that (both in the childless even thought I don't know if I want any way, and in the being stripped of my physical femininity way), or (b) as a result of that thought process, do nothing, roll the dice, take care of my health impeccably, bear children (or not) and if I do happen to develop the cancer ten, twenty, or forty years down the line, face repercussions with insurance for not doing anything about it when I found out - and potentially be denied coverage.

right. like I don't have enough to think about. it's about a half-dozen items down on the list, so it's not in full fledged takeover mode as of yet.

and one last thing before sleep takes over, getting up early is helping (okay, two things) and I've got the most wonderful boyfriend. you should have seen the note he left me before he went back to vermont on sunday. I almost cried. and the good and the bad altogether, I have never learned more about myself and I how I relate to / play well with others, and what it's like to put someone else first, and to have someone else do that kind of work back, ever. and I was like, married. and I didn't do any of it with him. because he wasn't worth it - and neither was I then, come to think of it. well, I was, but I didn't know. I am now. I know now. and so is raf. and I've never had it so good.

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