July 2006 Archives

well, she was a second ago. apparently, according to kristin, there is some kind of software - that has been researched, marketed, created, whatever - that knows the patterns likely to be a cat walking across the keyboard. bizarre.

on another note, kristin has been doing tremendous at regular updates. I missed sunday, or saturday, or whenever it was. I also find myself trying to type properly with uppercase letters where appropriate, and when I'm tired or trying to get something down before I forget, that I don't do it. I don't know if it's lack of discipline or just how it's supposed to be, and I'm not going to give myself a hard time about it. I give myself a hard time about lots less lately. but, yeah. point being, I don't have to feel bad that I'm not writing like she does or that I'm not consistent (at all, ever) with morning pages or that I haven't put up photos in a while. I'm working on it. it's (they're) coming along. a whole website full of them, in fact.

point being - I went through a massive comparison stage of my insides vs. other people's outsides. and I just let it rip - I stayed "crazy" for a good few months. talking, talking, crying, talking, crying, sleeping, and sleeping. and full frontal crazy time. and it's like it got out of my system somewhat. so I don't know if I'm more laid back or if I'm in love and learning alot about myself and how to be in a relationiship or because I have like, four sponsees or what - whatever it is, it's a welcome shift. when I was filling out my paperwork for k? today, there was this impossibly in-shape awesome tattoo having cool outfit wearing tornado of a girl that was the shift leader - and I was like, omg, what am I going to wear on friday? and then it all rushed in, almost immediately: you're not her. you're you. you'll wear whatever. since when do you care? and it was just such a relief. and they were like, come back here and make your own iced tea, and I'm all, I don't know how, I've worked in offices my whole life! where do you keep the cups? and aforementioned girl goes, so why are you getting a job here? and I go, well, I've decided not to do anything as much as I can help it that isn't in line with who I want to be, and when I dyed my hair pink, they suddenly thought I wasn't capable of doing my job anymore, so - insert audible gasp from her and two other baristas, I'm not kidding - I'd rather work somewhere that fosters me being who I am, you know? and it was what I said on the spot. and I meant it. and that doesn't mean I have to work fifty hours a week in a coffeehouse, but it does mean I can get involved in the entry level of an environment that is everything but what I have now - even if for a hundred bucks a week and a blank slate in which to be myself. and maybe I'll get to help with the art stuff, and maybe not. and maybe I'll get to play my cds, and maybe not. and maybe I'll get to help book some bands, and maybe not. but it's a step in the right direction, and other than not knowing how to make espresso, I'm not balking about it. I'm a little nervous, but it's no more nervous - I don't think - than I'd be waitressing for the first time or doing anything for the first time. what do I have to lose? debt. insecurity. a job that doesn't like my piercings. as far as I can tell, those may very well be the exact things I wouldn't mind being lost.

as an aside, I have to train for two hours friday. "hey, and bring your cds!" my manager says, as he heads out the door.

brilliant. too bad it's only $7.50 an hour, or I would do it all the time.

so, my contacts are dry, I've got a slew of preventative maintenance doctors appointments coming up, and I'm not looking forward to some of them. I'm so high risk for so many things that I have to be monitored more than most 30 year old females. wednesday is my measles shot for my college stuff, thursday is therapy, friday is new job training, monday is a routine all-around blood test (yucky! I hate that part), tuesday is a pelvic ultrasound, and that doesn't count the mammogram or dermatologist appointments I haven't made yet. and don't even get me started on the genetic testing, under which I could find out if I am predisposed to (and therefore able to prevent) a few different kinds of cancers - but not having elective surgeries on the spot could hinder my insurance in the future should anything go wrong. example? I do the test, and find out I am genetically predisposed to having ovarian cancer - which means it's highly likely I'll get it, regardless of my state of health, which can help me tremendously, but still doesn't get me out of the high risk category. I either (a) have a radical hysterectomy, never have children, and deal with the emotional repercussions of doing that (both in the childless even thought I don't know if I want any way, and in the being stripped of my physical femininity way), or (b) as a result of that thought process, do nothing, roll the dice, take care of my health impeccably, bear children (or not) and if I do happen to develop the cancer ten, twenty, or forty years down the line, face repercussions with insurance for not doing anything about it when I found out - and potentially be denied coverage.

right. like I don't have enough to think about. it's about a half-dozen items down on the list, so it's not in full fledged takeover mode as of yet.

and one last thing before sleep takes over, getting up early is helping (okay, two things) and I've got the most wonderful boyfriend. you should have seen the note he left me before he went back to vermont on sunday. I almost cried. and the good and the bad altogether, I have never learned more about myself and I how I relate to / play well with others, and what it's like to put someone else first, and to have someone else do that kind of work back, ever. and I was like, married. and I didn't do any of it with him. because he wasn't worth it - and neither was I then, come to think of it. well, I was, but I didn't know. I am now. I know now. and so is raf. and I've never had it so good.

...

but sleep won out. The heat is exhausting, even without doing much.

As I type, Raf is napping on my bed. Of course when we're sleeping, it's full snoring brigade, and when he's napping, he's as quiet as I am. WTF.

I'm shot too from a night of horrible, horrible dreams. Like scary movie kinds of bad dreams. First there were these dark loft apartments, and I had forgotten to go get something or take care of something, and as I'm waking up I just keep getting like, gruesome murder scenes and flashes of all the famous horror movie "heroes", and I woke up crying. Then I go back to sleep, and they kept happening. Then I go back to sleep and there was a new scary set of dreams, and then I go back to sleep and Raf and I are driving down this huge main road and there's a double tornado forming off in the distance, all clouds exploding on clouds everywhere.

Now, I had sushi last night, so that's nothing out of the ordinary like eating a lot of sauce before bed or something... I got the job at koffee? and I'm anxious about it, I took my vitamins pretty late in the day, and this morning I have a sore spot on the right side of my throat when I swallow. I don't know what any of those things have to do with any other of those things, but that's what's different this morning.

So, yeah, koffee?! I'll hopefully be getting two six-hour shifts, probably Tuesdays and Thursdays from 12-6 (which will change a little when the students come back). That 12 hours, with tips, should net me about a hundred dollars a week and I'm not doing it long enough to make me want to kill myself (like, eight or ten hours a day or anything). Six hours twice a week is really manageable, and maybe some Fridays here and there if I have the time and they have the shifts. Some of my friends have been like, "So what job are you applying for there?" and I'm all, "Um, it's a coffee shop - that one (pointing behind the counter), what else?" and they've been all, "Oh." I mean, come on, really? Would it be strange for a 30 year old single woman, who is trying to get out of debt and save for at least a condo, to take on a breakfast shift or a bartending shift at a restaurant? And if that woman didn't want to be around booze, and knew there was no way she could function consistently at 5 am, what else would she do? Get a second job. $400 a month makes a difference! That's like, all my groceries and store trips. Or most of my rent. Or my car and car insurance payment. Or the timeshare and timeshare credit card payment. What's the big deal? Do we come to a point in life where we are supposed to be above these things or something? Oh, and to top off all of this, how about aforementioned woman wanting to go to school? Or wanting to work in a judgement-free, music friendly, bands-and-art-on-the-walls environment? Is there something I'm missing here? Adults work at Starbucks and Kohl's and all those places. Life is getting more expensive. So what's the problem?

Hopefully nothing. And if there is a problem, tough nuggets, because I'm doing it anyways.

I'll update again later because this one is really all the stuff that was rattling around in my head from yesterday.

Oh, and I have an extra ticket for The Frames on Thursday. Anyone want to come?

...

in case I forget to update. interview was so-so. drive upstate was nice. curling up with raf was glorious. canollis after the meeting are sure to be blissful. I know this doesn't count as writing, but it's all I have time for right now otherwise I'll be late. I did do a page in my notebook today at the laundromat tho that I'll transcribe and that will have to do for today. kisses.

...

Today was good and not good and then good again. I haven't slept well the last two nights, partially because I'm crazy, and partially because of the heat. but it's better now. I've been steadily awake before 7:30 - 8 am which means I'm getting to work by 9:15 (and today was before 9!) and while I'm not being overly productive with the extra time, it is super helpful. I take the time to putter around in the morning, love the cat, iron or catch up on a letter or do the dishes or make myself a nice salad for lunch. I suppose those things are productive, but I mean in the go to spinning at 5 am kind of productive. Progress, not perfection. Progress.

So I worked for a little while on no sleep, had a minor breakdown, went to the gynecologist - which other than the obvious drag part is always great, because my doctor is quite possibly the greatest woman in the world - ran some errands, did good on bargains at Trader Joe's, and unexpectedly got a sick haircut from Kristen. Now it's 9:15 and I'm winding down, and I didn't want to forget! It's so nice to see three days in a row notched off on the calendar up there.

Oh, and I made an appointment to go back to see my therapist. Which is good. I'm not losing my shit or anything, but there's a bunch of unfinished pages floating around in my head that need to either get edited or filed or copied and thrown out or something.

So, after all that, I'm pretty beat. Wish me luck for the coffee shop gig I'm interviewing for tomorrow - I think I have a lot to bring to the table, but who knows what they're looking for. We'll see.

...

It's wednesday. Not alot is different from yesterday.

My photos came from snapfish yesterday, some of the more conservative shots I've taken of buildings and flowers and stuff so we can put pictures up in the office. They're paying for all the printing and framing, and I deliver 20 shots for $500.00. Not the greatest deal, but not so bad either. Especially since I've got a lot of these done already, and once you factor in the framing and printing, I'm getting paid about $75 a print. Really not so bad.

So I'm looking at them today and I'm all, um, I'm a photographer. Really. I need business cards.

I have an interview on Friday at 4 to pick up 10 or 15 hours a week at koffee? on Audobon Street in New Haven. Good experience, good "in" to get some photos out into the world, and it's nice to have ties to my town. Really. I never thought something like that would be important to me, but it is. Even 10 hours a week, three four hour shifts so, 12, at $7.50 an hour is... $90.00, plus about $15.00 in tips each shift - that nets me about $100 a week after taxes. So $400.00 a month - there's my car and insurance. Or the damn timeshare. Or gas and some of the groceries. You get the drift. It helps, and I'll never be there long enough to want to blow my head off. Plus for summer they wrap shifts up at 7, so it doesn't impede on any of my evening obligations. Of course, this is all assuming they actually want me to work there. We'll see.

What else... I should go finish up my work. I'm perpetually doing that, having to remind myself to work at work. Oy.

More to follow.

...

I think, somewhere in the madness today, that Kristin mentioned something about "updating every day for thirty days" and "you know, to see what happens" and stuff. What is today, anyway, the 25th? Okay. It doesn't sound like a gigantic commitment, but it is. I suppose I'm going to have to review the bounds of the word. Update. It could be a hello or a photograph or a forty thousand word mess.

Update. Let's look it up, shall we?

Hmmm... transitive verb, meaning to bring something up to date. That's kind of like when I looked up humility and it said something like "the act of being humble" or whatever. So let's keep going... adjective... here we go. Current. Recent. The latest. Oooh - the latest. That sounds like we're getting in the arena of something vaguely related to a sense of urgency. We'll see about that.

So what's the latest? Today I officially became a college student. I would say that I matriculated, but that's not a real word. A college student on a credit card, but hey, that's the true spirit of things, isn't it? I can't even bear to tell the stories of the damage friends of mine did in their late teens with fresh plastic. I'm hovering somewhere around $6,000.00, and today that climbed to $6,358.00. The logic being that investing in myself will yield much in terms of benefits - let's hope at least a few of them are financial.

I learned that the average age student entering Gateway is 32 (for once, I'm ahead of the curve). I learned that the guy teaching my english comp class writes for a newspaper - I forgot to ask which one. I said to the advisor, "Look - I think I might want to go into Business Administration, but I'm not sure." And he's all, "Well, we really encourage you to take specified courses and not just your core classes - take something you're interested in." And I'm like, "Well, I write, for fun, and I probably want to minor in some kind of art history slash photography stuff, so shouldn't I know how to write a paper? I'm kind of scared that I won't know how to go to school." I think I amused him, but I was serious. So, english comp, I win. 8-10:40 on Friday mornings, so by 11 am I'll still have the whole day ahead of me and I can hit work if I need to. Do they let you bring coffee into class? I hope so. Do I bring a notebook, or do I type notes? Does it matter? I think I'd be better off writing - oh wait, it's english comp. Composition. The making up of something, also in noun form as essay.

Don't I sound smarter already? Even just taking the placement test woke up a part of my brain that I haven't used in ten years. Seriously.

Um. So, yeah. English. And on top of this, yesterday, I got paid to take pictures all day. Well, I didn't like, get paid yesterday or anything, but I will sometime in the next week or so. Me. Getting Paid. To Take Pictures. And I got to take a bunch I wanted to in the middle of all the needing to. It was cool. So, two monumental days in a row, and to top that off, I'm honing in on my life purpose (courtesy of Kristin and Steve Pavlina) which has something to do with photographs, and my father, and the pulling of heartstrings. I'll let you know as it comes together, but in the moment it's almost enough - like, eighty five percent - to know that I'm in the right direction. Six months ago I was about to blow my head off. Today I matriculated. Yesterday I photographed. Last week I tried to find my purpose.

Things are looking up.

Oh, and the tin foil thing didn't work. In case you're thinking of trying it at home... it was kind of like when you wrap a baked potato in foil in the oven, so it cooks, right? Except the inside of the potato was my kitchen. Oops.

Does this mean I get to shop for school supplies?

...

If it is, tell me soon, 'cause I'm about to burn the place down.

I have lined my two kitchen windows with tinfoil. This has happened for several reasons:

(a) On top of getting beaten with full afternoon sun in a 100 degree heatwave, they also get the heat from a huge patch of black tar roof directly outside.
(b) I don't have shades. I have those four dollar roll up blinds from Ikea, which don't do shit for light blockage, but it keeps the neighbors from watching me eat topless at my kitchen table. I'm not kidding.
(c) I suppose I could go buy shades, but because they'd be the expensive room darkening kind (and foil costs about two dollars for a huge roll when you buy store brand), I'd rather have the twenty bucks to take the train to the city tomorrow to see Charles.
(d) It works for cars, so why not for my kitchen?

If I am causing some kind of potential accident involving exploding glass or global warming, could someone please email me? Kiss kiss.

It's getting too hot to function. Super humid hot hot. Sweaty under the boobs hot.

Me: Dude, it's like, 96 degrees here with full humidity.
Kristin: I'm wearing a fleece.

Also from Kristin, on an unrelated equally hot day: You need to update.

Hi.

I need deadlines and accountability. Hopefully Steve Pavlina is going to help me find direction in my life, beginning with (a) becoming an early riser and (b) finding my true purpose in twenty minutes or less. I'm happy to report that I got to work today at 9:30 instead of 10:15, and that I almost got up with the alarm at 7 (but not quite). Also, I did a full hour and 135 statements last night - under which circumstances I statistically should have found my calling, but the only thing that made me cry was when I wrote about my dad. (Go read the article). At least it's a start.

So my super fabulous other half is up in Vermont working for two weeks, and instead of sitting around complaining, I'm trying to do some structured me-time. Although it's a little tough to stay motivated in this forsaken heatwave, but I'm doing the best I can. Oh, that's some of the stuff I've come up with - the "true purposes" I'm circling around have something to do with living without regret or fear, treading softly on the earth, helping others, and sharing the wisdom and strength I've gained as a result. I just can't hone it in any further - I can, but I keep coming up with almost the same sentence - but I'll give it another crack tonight. Everyone that complained on the site basically stopped when he said they would, and didn't push through for more answers. His simple reply to them was that if they didn't cry, that they weren't done. I was able to fall asleep right when I went to bed last night, as well as think for a few minutes that I want to bring light to the dark corners and to share the pullings of my heartstrings with the world... those things that make me catch my breath, songs that make me sit on the floor and close my eyes, pictures that say everything without speaking - I want those things to fuel me along, and I want to share that passion with others. But that's still not making me cry.

Keep coming.

So much has happened in a few weeks' time, Raf and I almost bought a condo, but the sellers never called us. More accurately, the real estate agent for the sellers never called us after repeated attempts, offers, and messages. I'll take it as NGW but it's still frustrating... crap this keyboard is dirty. Oh, and we're in the new office at work, I got my first paying photography gig, I'm still broke but for some reason I'm not traumatized about it, and I found a great pen that I like to write with. Um... I almost fractured my pinky toe. And did I mention that it's hot? It's about all I can think of. I can't even turn on my stove. A whole bunch of stuff has gone on with my mom, but since she's as okay as she can be in this moment (and I'm not frustrated by the whole thing in this moment) I'm not going to dredge it up right now.

So, yeah - deadlines. Here's the short list:

1. Get my doctor's office to complete my medical transcripts so I can wrap up my application to Gateway - I'm on hold with them right now.
2. Figure out the photography job for the office - I have a meeting with Geoff on Thursday.
3. Update my blog - check.
4. Upload the shots I want for hotavocados - that should be done by tonight.
5. Get my oil changed - appointment set for Thursday
6. Pick out paint for the main room - having dinner with mom Thursday night and taking a trip to Home Depot.
7. Trader Joe's - check.
8. Maybe go consignment shop shopping for some cheap dressers (to get rid of the big bulky ones I have now).
9. CLEAN THE APARTMENT. Like, really clean, not maintenance clean. Which is going to be tough, because I start sweating just from making the bed. But it has to be done.
10. Make my deposit before Friday. I should be able to hack this one.
11. Talk to Kristin about font changes, etc. for site - in process.
12. Figure out my true purpose in life.

On top of all this, I haven't been writing nearly enough. And I'll sit down every now and then to get some stuff out, and I forgot how magical it gets - sometimes it's good. Really good. And there's only a few months until NaNoWriMo, so I've got to get back in the habit... soon. I'll start with daily updates, even if I have nothing to say. I need a life supervisor. Like, someone breaking my balls all the time about cleaning my room or doing my homework - you think that stuff would have stuck from back then. It didn't. Please give me a hard time about living up to my full potential! My inner teenager will simultaneously adore you and despise you for it.

And the other stuff on the list - which is work. Which I should be doing since I'm here and all. So that's it for now.

Love and deadlines,

~VVB