I don't know if kristin posted her most recent entry before or after our conversation today, but I'm counting it as obvious.
I am financially hitting bottom. the slowdown of my job has been, while painful on my wallet, an exercise in flexing my spiritual muscles. leap, have faith, pay attention to your instincts, and start getting with Who You Really Are and What You Really Want Out Of Life. things I would have never paid attention to while I was busy stuffing money down my throat. so in a way, I'm grateful.
the end of the line comes today, thirty thousand dollars in debt between my credit card, my car, and a timeshare I can't afford to use. yes, it's true - when you make more, you spend more, so it's kind of like you make more money, but not really. until you learn about this part, or if you're lucky, you know all this going into it. I didn't. I was supposed to go up to boston on sunday to see kristin for a few hours in beautiful 75 degree sunday kind of goodness springtime everything's alive and happening weather, and I can't afford it. and lately "I can't afford it" means "I guess I have to put that on my credit card", and much to my dismay, they won't let me have any more money. I didn't know I was at the limit, I thought I had a good thousand dollars left.
wrong.
usually when work slows down like this, you run up your bills, and then it picks back up a month or two later. and you sigh with relief and pay everything back and throw a few grand in the bank and have some sushi to celebrate. except this time, it's been slow for months and months. I'm making about a third less than I did last year, and that wasn't much to begin with (in comparison with what this job generally supplies me with financially). now I'm at the point where I need over 30K a year just to pay my bills and eat (barely). not all of those expenses are permanent, of course, but they are for the next 3 years or so, and what I'm doing about it (read: nothing) simply isn't cutting it. I'm at the stage of the game where it's grow or go time.
I'm picking grow.
so, on that entry's lead, I'll start with hobbies and interests and talents and the like:
photography
writing
animals
the ocean
baking
being helpful
extremely organized (in an office setting)
music
good books
teaching
crafty kind of hobby stuff
I type fast
I'm known to be responsible and reliable
and what I want:
to set up roots in the community,
to feel good about my job furthering a sense of the greater well being at the end of the day,
to get a basic college degree,
to be able to afford to do the things that are hobbies - with the hope of eventually turning them into a career,
to have a career and not just a day job,
to work for / with good people,
to not get axed from an interview because of an industrial,
and that's about all I can think of right now. I'm sure if I checked all the boxes on some kind of career test, they'd tell me a few options to try out. but going on my own, what would I do (without boundaries)? be a photographer for national geographic. go work in some third world country building shelters. spend all my free time volunteering for indie labels and animal shelters. it's like, twelve different directions, all with the same bottom line - the one thing that I have figured out is that I do not want to do anything that is not furthering my sense of Who I Really Am in some way, shape or form. unlike some friends, I can do the office gig, but it's got to be for something real. an environmentally conscious architecht, a non-profit, a receptionist at an animal hospital, or something like that. a bookkeeper for a record label. a human resources department head for a magazine. you see what I mean.
so, we've filtered down what I don't want, and on some suggestions from some very wise people around me, I think I'm going to start of at the local community college in pursuit of a business degree. apparently you can take that into finance, management, schools, corporate environments... record labels... non profits... so that's a start. the application is going out in the mail tonight, and then I'll take my placement tests, and start small with like, english comp or something. check.
in the meantime, there needs to be a renewal in pursuit of my interests. go back to what I loved, keeping lists of songs on kexp and making mixes and checking out shows and taking pictures and meeting bands and so on and so forth. in addition to that, clean up the website and make some cheap business cards. there's not a whole lot I can afford to do in that arena, but I can catch back on fire about it, and maybe see if there's a photography 101 elective availlable. ooh! check.
baking? culinary arts? maybe... in the meantime, there's plenty to learn right in my own kitchen. and I have 5 nights a week of willing subjects to bring goods to, that will also cover most of the cost of my experimenting. check.
national geographic? that's what I always said I wanted to be growing up from a very small age. maybe that's because it's the only magazine that was consistently around my house, or maybe it's because I didn't know the phrases like "not likely" and "I'll never be good enough for that" yet. it's staying on the list, dammit. and I can visit the ocean, and maybe live near it someday. that one starts with paying the bills, which is the only way I'm going to get anywhere. I've got two calls into each of the cat shelters, and we've recently discovered a stray at matt's new place. I think she likes it there, because it's been a week or two now and she seems to be setting up shop. I'm calling her maggie. I have to stop at petco and scrape change to get her some basics.
so, at least it's out there. subject to change, pending a lot of different things, but it's out there. and it's a good start.
thanks, kristin. I'm sorry my irresponsibility and lack of direction are screwing up my visit, but maybe I'll learn this time. it's all part of opening my eyes back up - which is an explanation, not an excuse, but still. have a safe flight.
~vvb
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