so I'm in the laundromat the other day, and these two grad students are talking about summer living and summer roommates and summer class projects. one of them is saying something about symposiums or symphonies or whatever, and the other one is talking about the people in her class / department going on a research trip to varying third world countries, something and something and aids research and I'm not sure where I'm going to wind up but it sure feels good to be making a difference, et cetera.
right. and I can't even scrape together consistent sanity (read: lasting more than a few hours) in my little corner of new haven, so I might as well go blow my head off. that, or I can feel good about recycling and taking some cool pictures and not running through life like some loser asshole.
I called the purr project and left a message. I need service work. I need them more than they need me, actually, and they have no fucking idea.
so it turns out I'm not alone with the crazy: I should have this and be here and know that by now, and it's a real drag being broke all the time, and I don't know if anyone else really feels like this... turns out at least one (well, one that I know about) person feels exactly the same way. it's like I was sitting in the car tonight, talking to myself a few months ago. and in writing out a long email about what I've learned in the struggle recently, I found out some wonderful things about myself. and that most of it is coming down to my spiritual path, which dictates perspective and gratitude and the level of good and bad self-everything and all that.
that's the super-abridged version. I learned tonight that I'm not alone, and we all feel a little bit not quite good enough, and that the common thread is how we invariably get back to restless, irritable, and discontent if we don't keep doing the work. the real work, the dirty work, not just the half kind. it really is about progress, not perfection. it really is about everything right now being enough, and that if we know we're doing the best we can, then we just have to be good to ourselves and ride out whatever is eating at us. and human instinctual drives are going to be fucking with us for quite some time, whether we like it or not.
and we're all right where we're supposed to be, whether we like it or believe it even - or not.
I've officially got the cutest cat in america, and a million things that show me who I am right in front of me. maybe I should go pull the pictures out of my camera.
here's to self awareness.
~vvb
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