I have to keep going

apparently, I've got patterns.

most recently I've been advised of how when the plate gets full, I want to cut and run. work needed to become everything, so I backed off, but that was the good kind, because it's making me find out more things about myself. therapy started to feel like trying to fill up a cup past its capacity, so I stopped going. that's the bad kind. I have a hard time with my boyfriend, and all of a sudden I start second guessing the whole relationship. that's the bad kind too, except there, I kept showing up and dealing with what needed to be dealt with, and again, I start learning more things about myself and who I am and what I believe and what I'm okay with and all that stuff.

so I stop writing here alot and stop digging kexp full time because I get intimidated that I'm not brooklyn vegan, because they go to / review / shoot every single show and I'm not them and I'm not doing what they're doing and they're better so I shouldn't even bother. I won't make a commitment to a different line of work where I really have to apply myself, all the way down to I won't take guitar lessons, because I might suck, so I don't even start. this sounds strange, and not like me, and it's not, it's just a part of me sometimes - not even a lot of the time - but I've stil got to pay attention to it.

"I mean, for me, being in the frames is what I do -" I'm listening to a live glen hansard interview. go. now.

okay. wasn't that awesome? I can't wait for summerstage. I'll probably leave after they're done.

so, I have to persevere. it's like, shit, I'm fat, my pants don't fit, so I'm going to eat better today, and the next day, my pants still don't fit, so that doesn't mean I stop eating better, it means it's going to take a while. slow and steady, no instant gratification. and now, a little bit thinner and a little bit feeling better about myself, months down the line, it's worth it. that's my proof. that's my motiviation. this feels great, and more of these little deposits into the emotional bank account of victoria's well being is going to feel even better. but it feels like I'm at the beginning of the rest, and I'm going to need reminders that keep me going - I have to keep going.

I have to keep going.

devin davis played monday in new york. devotchka and norfolk & western are playing together on friday in northampton. I didn't go monday and I can't go friday. but sunday, july second I think, alexi murdoch is playing at the iron horse. ray lamontagne is in the middle of july sometime, frames in august, wrens in september.

I think it's coming back.

I was in the middle of another kexp mix and all the cds weren't available. I've got to follow up on that - it was a good one. stacks of cds to load in and file away and listen to more, and I just haven't gotten my shit together.

I get to see kristin on sunday. I don't have any money but I'm going anyway.

um...

summer's coming.

I think that's about it.

they're all saying "feck" and "cheers" and stuff. I've got to go listen to the rest of this.

~vvb