I've been busy fugging myself.
two weeks to the day, and I'm never ceased to be amazed by my fondness for updating on certain days of the week. totally random, yet there's a total pattern. chaos theory, something and something, positioning of the moon, hormonal cycles... I have no idea. it's just how it goes.
so kristin gently reminded me this morning that it was time to update, and I have to agree I haven't been here in a while. my shows page are from february, I spent the blissfund a while ago, and it's just all been left by the wayside. on another note / page / whatever you want to call it, things are getting... different. shifting. less crazy, or maybe not less crazy but a different category of crazy? different.
see? this is what happens when I don't come here of my own volition. I'm all over the place.
swimming about bicycles. okay:
I was keeping a journal pretty much every day, of what I was eating and how much I was sleeping and how much I was paying attention to my extracurricular activities and when I was feeling hormonal and when I wasn't, etc. for the first... few weeks I think? of being on wellbutrin. I wanted to see what changed and when and what affected it and how and what the result was and am I really sad and depressed, or did I just eat too many carbs or not get enough sleep or what. and then I stopped, and didn't even realized that I had stopped until I picked my book back up to scrawl some random thoughts in.
so it's been about... a month and a half? seven weeks? ish since I've started medication and weekly visits to the psychiatrist, because I felt myself slipping away. crazy victoria was taking over regular victoria, and not in the way that all girls have crazy girl come knocking from time to time. like, sitting in my car, on the phone with the west coast, screaming and sobbing my eyes out because I finally knew what all those people had written about, that seemed so strange, that I could logically comprehend but couldn't feel: me, as I know her / myself, was starting to get shoved away into some recess of my mind, and some strange over-emotional scared five year old who was incapable of dealing with anything was starting to take her place. and even scarier than that was the feeling that this was a permanent change, that this was who I was becoming, and who I would have to adjust to being from now on. it scared the daylights out of me (whatever that means).
and so we went to talk to dr. hennen. about everything: that, my father's death, my mother's illness, what happened to me growing up, timelines of what I've been exposed to in different areas of my life, and how the relationship with raf - while not the cause of any of this - was feeling like the minefield where all of this was coming to light. where I saw him, about two months into dating me, starting to get this awkward, strange, pms prone, uncomfortable, not being able to get out of bed in the morning version of myself. it's almost like everyone else in my life knew my little quirks and inconsistencies, but to be all of that with someone new - it really brought it all to the surface. on top of this, work slowed down. a lot. and on top of having way too much time on my hands to think about all of this, I was (for the first time in a long time) unable to hide behind spending money. not like I was mommy warbucks or anything before that, but if I felt like crap, and I didn't smoke or drink, I could go drop a hundred dollars at old navy and really not feel to big of a financial hit. at this point, there's nothing left to hide behind, and I got pretty fucking uncomfortable.
and, as usual, everything is exactly as it should be. like a friend quotes on the bottom of his emails: life is in the right, always. and I believe it.
so we talk and we talk and I keep sleeping and I'm not writing and I'm not doing my dishes and I'm going out to take pictures but the sky's not blue enough and everyone sucks and eventually, the good doctor and I start taking all of this stuff from a deafening scream to a dull roar to loud chatter, but categorized loud chatter, to Here Is What We Think Is Going On. and after this week, the combination of all of this... stuff, therapy and meds and meetings and meditation and eating better and all the things I know how to do to take care of myself - after all of this, I come up with the following shocking conclusion:
things are kind of okay.
well, I came up with it after some doing some writing therapy where I back up from freaking out (okay, what happened before that, and before that, and before that, okay what changed from being okay to not being okay, etc.) and it probably doesn't hurt that the meds are around the time where the should be helping things along... but whatever it is, it got a couple of notches quieter.
so things are kind of okay, but the bad stuff is still there, but it's not this pile of stuff that's about to eat me alive anymore. I've got stuff going on that anyone would have a hard time with - mom, finances, a new relationship, hitting my 30th birthday, and doing some evaluation with that and coming up on my anniversary - and I'm coming out of the coma I've been thinking myself into. I'm broke, and I have a little too much time on my hands to sit around thinking about myself and all of these fears and problems. I'm wondering What I Should Do With My Life.
but, really, things are kind of okay.
I think dr. hennen is right, that I was starting to see physical and mental symptoms as a result of stress and depression (the sleeping, the lack of interest in things I love, etc.) and it's funny how the medication is helping that - when I took wellbutrin to quit smoking, it kind of felt like when I used to take adderol for fun, only on a much smaller scale. now, it doesn't make me high at all. just like how percosets don't give you a trip when you're actually taking them for pain, they just fix the pain. that's how I (think I) know that this is the right course of action.
on top of that, when I do the i over e trick (put intellect over emotion) then things are better than okay. things are actually pretty good - getting published, losing some weight, having these great opportunities to do what I really want to with my life - after writing up a rough draft of my bio for kristin, I realized that I had everything that I'd been asking for: that I wanted to have enough money to pay my bills, but not too much (because I still don't handle it well), and a flexible enough schedule so that I could do what I really want with my life. and that's exactly what's starting to happen. that, and had things not gone like this - especially being stripped of being able to hide behind finances - I may have never been pushed to the place where I had to to Figure This Out. and I know it's going to make me better, getting through whatever this thing is that I'm in the middle of. so I should be grateful - because I've got it pretty good. it's not about what I don't have, or comparing how I feel to how other people look.
know what else I figured out today?
I'm a photographer.
no, really.
I just framed up a few shots for jury selection at the stony creek library - and they're sitting on the floor leaning up against my desk, all matted and fancy looking - and I've never done that with my work before.
With My Work. because I have Work. because I'm a Photographer.
awesome.
so on top of all of this, I'm "regaining interest in my activities" and all the things that fall by the wayside with minor depression are starting to change. I got up at 8:30, which might sound late to some of you, but I was averaging around 10, having gone to bed at 10 or 11 the night before. and last night I went to bed at midnight. I've stopped wearing sweatpants every day. I mean, even though I'm just in a t-shirt and jeans, I'm not running around unshowered in my pajamas. I'm spending a little less time at the office because there's not much I need to be here for, and when I am here and there's not a lot of work to do, I'm looking for part time jobs and working on my photography and writing my bio and stuff.
I'm waking back up. it's been a bumpy road, but there's finally light at the end of the tunnel.
so what else... in the midst of all of this, I've barely been listening to any new music at all, and I haven't been going to any shows. john roderick could have been playing at firehouse 12 and I might have found a reason not to go - it was really getting that bad. I'm here for a few hours a day at best, I'm barely listening to kexp, and I'm sure as shit not making all my "current rotation" lists of things I like and albums I want and mixes to make and bands to see live. I only went to go see tom brosseau because I've made friends with him and mary. and the guilt of not going was eating me alive - and I still almost didn't go, until kelly suggested taking the train in and making it fun for myself. so I haven't been literally under my bed or anything, but I haven't really been getting out much. I finally made it to see a few movies I'd been meaning to get to over the last week or so.
so you can imagine my lack of interest in kexp's annual spring trip to new york. I sent out the email a month ago like I always do ("hey, I'd love to help out, etc. etc") and when it came time to make the decision about it, my heart just wasn't in it. and that's only part of it, the other part being that new relationship stuff, and the man I'm dating (yes, not boy! it still looks funny...) wanted to make turning 30 special for me because he knew what a hard time I've been having. single, even in the state I've been in, I probably would have pulled it together to go, half heartedly, and had a good time because I love new york and I love the station and it would have been great. but with the option to do something else, and that something else being a wonderful long weekend in new york planned out by a wonderful man who wants to spend uninterrupted time with me so we can just be in love and take great pictures - the something else won out. and I had a hard time deciding, still, even not knowing any of the bands that are coming and not really being too excited about it - because I don't want to miss any opportunities, I don't want things to fall by the wayside like they have been... but the flipside is too that to a degree, now that I'm a We, We make decisions together - and I didn't want to push raf aside and go barrel through the week when he had taken the time to do something so great for me. kexp's not going anywhere. my 30th birthday is only coming once.
so it's two nights at hotel 17, a broadway show, and a lot of walking around. and a LOT of pictures. I'm sure it's going to be a blast, and I'm sure the station will live without me. hopefully all my awakenings will be in full force by the fall so I can go kick ass for their visit during cmj. but that's a while away, and I'm really trying to stay present.
holy emoting all over the keyboard batman. so that's the update.
xo
~vvb
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