fourteen days on, session number 3 tomorrow morning (it's supposed to be wednesdays, but it's thursday this week instead). I've been fairly steady about keeping track of how I feel, what I ate, what my head's doing, how much sleep I'm getting, etc. - but since I'm at work and stuff, it's easier to update here. I've missed a few days now and then in my notebook so I want to make sure I stay on top of all of this.
so, I don't really feel much different. I seem to have adjusted to the sleeplessness, for the first week or ten days or so it was hard to fall asleep and I'd keep waking up in the middle of the night. now I'm back to my ten hour clips, which are from 10:30 - 11 or so until 8 or 8:30, pretty much fitlessly. I do feel wide awake though during the day - it's like my head gets tired and wants naptime but something is keeping me awake. so I sit there, a little dazed, until it passes. I've lost about 8 pounds so far, I just don't want to eat as much - which is weird for me, because I can eat and eat and eat and I just don't want to lately. I'm making my bed regularly, and going through days of not cleaning up at all and then doing it all in a big fit. I've felt a little at the end of my rope emotionally, so I get all worked up about something, and instead of just rolling around in it and not being able to stop, I'm starting to realize it's happening about five or ten minutes into it. so that's an improvement, but I don't know if it's just because I'm so shot, or if something's adjusting, or what. I'm having a hard time hanging out with my mom, it's almost like watching someone self destruct. it's hard to just - sit there. I want to scream at her and tell her to go do something, anything, just to not just sit there and wither away. I'm not scared anymore about whether or not raf is getting jammed up with me, mostly because he's told me he's not, but also because I've kind of come to this place where this is just how I am right now and it's going to pass at some point. and some people in my life are going to stick it out, and some aren't, and there's not a whole lot I can do about what other people are doing. I've told the important ones what's up, and they don't seem to be running away screaming.
as far as being jammed up about work, it came to me sometime sunday (after yapping eve's ear off for a few hours) that I don't need to work here. I don't have to work here. I don't have to do anything, for that matter - but it took away the whole "what am I going to do about all of this angst" thing. it turned into "well, I could go work somewhere else" - and that took this whole looming awful thing off of my shoulders. so I'm dusting a few things off and making some lists and we'll see where it goes. but it's not making me want to blow my brains out every day as much.
so is that just my normal evolution of having a hard time into having snapshots of having less of a hard time, or am I chemically balancing back out, or both, or neither? I have no idea. I think it's helping too that I have a few things to do at work, at least I have for the last few days, so it's a little less time to be sitting around obsessing about myself.
I can't believe I'm not hungry. that's just amazing. I'm like, always hungry. this is great.
so what else... so this week (tomorrow) we need to address that, and the not being able to sit with mom stuff, and the turning thirty what have I done with my life stuff. I feel like I need to make a colossal to-do list. I've been standing myself up for dates these days. tom brosseau's show is coming up at the end of the month, that's going to be great - but other than that, there's a lot of downtime over the next couple of weeks. it's probably exactly what i need.
club sandwiches, not seals.
kisses,
~vvb
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