so this week with the therapist was much more anti-climactic than last. less crying. more basic untangling of knots - keeping an eye on where I'm at in my cycle, trying to make plans to circumvent anything I can see coming down the crazy pipe - I feel kind of stupid now, but every week is enlightening. stupid because these are such basic things. it's like a little, specifically focused mirror she holds up and shines on me. are you going to have a hard time if you don't have plans? make some. know what you're doing for the next week. plan a massage for when your pms is getting bad. tell people what you need.
then there's the part she can't help me with, the part that's got me in tears every other five minutes. the part where I feel crazy and overreact to every single little thing. the part where I take everything personally and want to run home and hide. the part where I feel like there's something going on where there's nothing at all. still, all the crazy aside, I can't help but feel like something's up that I just can't shake. something aside from all of this, if I put it all down and try really, really hard to be focused - there's a rift that has nothing to do with any of this. and it's making me crazy. and I almost want something to happen, so I can go, see? I'm not crazy at all. I saw this coming. I told you so, I told you -
so.
I want instant happy pills to take this away. I can't have them. I just have to sit through this, and on top of it, I have to speak on sunday, which is making me want to run away screaming. and the solution to the elusive rift? I just have to let it be. it's so hard, it's stuff I want to poke and prod at and fix - but I can't. well, I could, but that won't work. it's like letting a piece of paper unfold by itself, slowly but surely. and I want to get my hands all in it. and I wish I could tell you what I'm talking about, but I'm stuck in the not-knowing-who's-reading place so I can't.
I don't even want to post this. I might not. I think I have to.
~vvb
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