did you know that baby carrots aren't baby carrots at all? they're normal carrots whittled away to little versions of themselves. I had no idea. there's another thing like that ritchie valens / la bamba actor guy. I think I'm fucked with all that stuff. there's so much I don't know that I don't know...
one thing that came into clear view this week: as it turns out, I'm depressed. big shocker. my psychologist figured that out in less than fifteen minutes of sitting down with her last wednesday.
so what does that mean? right in this instant, it feels like I'm always going to be the girl that Has A Lot Going On. like my freeform brilliant writing magic finding days have ended, that I'm headed for Serious and Uptight and Painfully Self-Aware. that's a fucking drag. I know, well, I think, it won't actually be like that forever, but it's what it feels like right now. I'm super focused on a bunch of unimportant stuff, I have no perspective on my life, and the other night it felt like everything was really totally out of control. like who I know I can be and am will never resurface again, that I'm stuck with who I am right now, and I try so hard to make them match up and I can't. and not who I am in the "you're right where you're supposed to be" way, it's more like there's something standing in my way right now. sometimes I'm afraid to talk because I don't know what's going to come out. and when friends go, "how are you?" they're struck with a twenty minute dissertation about all the ways I'm not okay.
on the other side of the bed, there's a wonderful side to this too: it's not all me. what I mean by that is, that this diagnosis makes so much more make sense - I've been keeping a journal since I started the wellbutrin last week, just so I can see weeks or months from now if there's any difference, including keeping an eye on my diet and how much sleep I'm getting. and saturday, in a fit of not wanting to come out (emotionally) from under my kitchen table, a whole big chunk fell into place. I was starting to think back to when everything changed - when I noticed a departure from "I don't feel like working out" to "I'm hiding, and I'm a little crazy". now, for a while, like, a year and a half, the things I've been feeling aren't unfamiliar. it's like bad pms every now and then (well, that's pretty common) and sleeping a little too much (hey, it's cold out, or I'm always going, etc.), and not wanting to go to the gym (who does, really?) and having a hard time (hey, you've got a lot going on, your dad died, your mom's sick, etc.) - so how in the world was I supposed to know that it was anything other than normal? I mean, if I rewind my life for the last ten years, I've got my mom having cancer, getting divorced, getting married, buying and selling a house, moving every single year, my dad dying, my dog dying, getting sober, hitting bottom, ending an abusive relationship, and then all out bad shit prior to that. drunken chaos, stealing, lying, cheating, hating myself, various forms of low self-esteem, etc. - so it's not a surprise that I kind of have a tough go at things sometimes.
but for all of these to keep happening, to stretch out for so long - like I was starting to say, it all began coming together as I made these shorthand notes on saturday. I started gaining weight in the winter of '04, after I split up with george. another christmas without dad. mom got cancer. we go to cabo, and not only am I in cabo with my mom for valentine's day, but she's sick from chemo and can't really leave the hotel room. I start losing my shit, thinking, oh, I haven't been to a meeting in days, who wouldn't be having a hard time, etc. - and I proceeded to spend ten dollars a minute on roam to talk to tim grady - we determine that I've got tools I can use, and that really, things are fine - and I brush it off. but that's when I notice the snap, or the click, if you will. physical reactions to how I've been doing emotionally, among a bunch of other things. and so much was getting better - rediscovering myself, spending time out of a relationship, writing more, getting back into music - that I didn't notice. and when I did, I focused on all the good things. that's all I needed, right? a fresh perspective. maybe some fruit, and a good mixtape. things are fine.
things, as it turn out, are very much not fine. but it's good that we've figured out that they're not, because now we can Do Something About It. and those nights where my friends and my boyfriend and my family tell me they love me, and that it's all going to be alright, and I turn around and think that they all hate me - well, now it's not me not trying hard enough to get a better handle on things. all the crying and sleeping - it's not just me being lazy or sad. I've hit a wall. it's the end of the proverbial rope. six meetings a week and all the things I'm supposed to be doing later, it's still not shifiting.
so we try it another way. which is what I did last time my life fell apart.
stay tuned, kids. I have the feeling that this one is going to get interesting.
~vvb
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