strange how the vaguely uneasy feeling I've had for a while now is seeming to subside, on the heels of some crazy dreams last night. the pictures and moments from them are so vivid, I wish my head was a camera and that I could project it out onto the page for you...
there was one part that was just totally disturbing, this guy cleaning up a bathroom where something bad had happened. but it was more like there was an accident, I think in the dream we understood that he was taking care of an older man - so there's this bathroom, sliding shower doors and wallpaper that hadn't been updated in years and this guy kneeling in front of the toilet, trying to clean it off, looking back at us standing (in the doorway, or wherever we were, whoever "we" is, I just know I wasn't alone) there - and there was blood all over the place. not like on tv shows where someone gets shot or something, not splattered all over the place, but more like it had been like that and then someone had tried so desperately to clean it but had only succeded in staining everything. like cleaning in a horror movie in a panic, freaking out from all the blood everywhere, so everything had this stain all over it - the walls, the shower door, the wallpaper, and the toilet seat was the worst - just this dark awful red, completely soaked. and the guy's looking up at us, like, I know, it's so awful, and if you can take yourself to that place, if there's ever been a really vivid awful scene in a movie where you were just mortified - it was like that. like everyone knew that something very wrong had just happened.
the rest of the dream is snippets of working (get this) in a dunkin donuts, only it's a big old kitchen with yucky flourescent lights, and everything is painted this flat dark country blue paint - walls, cabinets, counters, everything - and people are coming up to these big windows over the sink, and they've left me alone and I can't find the cups anywhere and I don't know how to make the espresso and it's like, 3 o'clock in the morning. and just a few people are standing, like, in the lawn. up at the window. and all I can do is get three medium cups of coffee but I can't make the redeye part and the guy that's supposed to be helping me isn't answering. a long time goes by but not, like when you're tripping and you think it's been five hours but only about eight minutes have gone by - and by the time I look up to tell them I just can't hack it, they're gone and there's one girl there that helps me close the windows from the outside while I'm inside. then it flashes to different parts of this house and there's just crap all over the place, and I'm trying to smoke tobacco out of a bowl, and this kid I know from meetings is there laughing, and hands me some pot and I freak out about it. magazines and clothes and dishes and just stuff - all this stuff - everywhere you looked and walked.
and today I prayed differently and everything felt a little shifted somehow. I don't know if one has anything to do with the other, but there have been two occasions where I was just completely out of my head and I had these ridiculously vivid dreams that I can still remember. well, one I remember play for play and the other one I just know I had it - and everything changed afterwards.
wow. maybe now is one of those times. whatever it is, I'll take it. I looked some stuff up on a dream site - all I could find was that the blood was about love and passion, and not negative at all. I don't know what the other stuff in the kitchen was though, probably something about needing to know fully I can't do all this stuff by myself. like we talked about last night - the program doesn't teach us how to fix ourselves. it teaches us how to do the next thing that is in front of us to get done and leave the fixing up to fate.
kisses and long dream sequences and me needing to be sitting in coffee shops more scribbling in my notebook, yes...
~vvb
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