it's downright depressing how many

it's downright depressing how many relationships don't work out. specifially all those people out on the internet selling engagement rings and wedding rings, it's just - sad. I hate to say it but I've completely lost faith in the ability for two human beings to find each other, get past all the speedbumps, and not only want to stay in a committed relationship with each other but to do it permanently, with witnesses, 'till death do they part. I mean, seriously. I'll be happy if I don't screw up this whole boyfriend / girlfriend thing with raf.

really.

so I thought I was all comfortable with myself and sure of who I am and really feeling like, okay in my own skin - and I do, on some deep core level, but now everything that's up at the surface is all garbled and fucked up. like one day, sometime in the last few months, who I am inside and who I am out loud had the decoder inbetween get reversed. so here I am, all being able to accurately talk about how I feel and who I am and how I'm doing, and then all of a sudden not only can I not do that, but to top it off things are coming out all fucked up and backwards. I'm all anxious and neurotic and second guessing everything. I had a long talk about all of this with donna last night, and she very plainly stated that when I don't have control over my emotions, I freak out and feel like I have to figure out what's wrong and what the hell is going on. and I kind of understand that, but not totally. so we used the example of work. work slows down, I'm broke, it's a drag, I intellectually am aware that things are going to be fine and that it will pass, and it lasts a little longer than last time, and I start to panic. then I start wondering if I'm making the right decision by staying in this job, or if this is the universe trying to push me on to bigger and better things, and I start to have a meltdown and second guess my entire life. then we used the example of my relationship with raf, when I start falling for him and really realizing that I'm into him, I immediately start wondering if I'm doing the right thing or if it's alright to be with him or not, is he too much this, am I not enough that, and I start putting myself into a thinking coma. so raf, the job, all that stuff, none of that is the issue - as usual, it comes down to me just not being screwed together quite right. then she continued on to say, you think you need like, medication or something, when really all that's going on is that you're feeling everything and you have no control over it, and you have to just get used to it. you can function and be terrified, anxious, in love, whatever.

and the funny thing is, I've been like, maybe I'm all psychosis girl and I need medication. and the unnerving thing is, it's - well, unnerving to have someone make such a "this is totally obvious" statement about a part of my personality that I can barely comprehend. most of the big ways that I am, I know about. and I can logically understand what she's saying, I guess, but I don't feel it and I don't really, really get it. then she's like, you're thinking too much, you don't need to "get it", it just is. now I'm talking to a ninja encrypted zen master and I'm like, I have to get off the phone. I can't keep thinking about this stuff anymore or my brain is going to melt and pour out of my ears.

so the thing is, I'm not always going to know what I'm supposed to be doing or saying or being or feeling. and the prospect of not being able to figure things out is totally dismantling - I mean, it's all math, you know? logic. x + 2 = 5 and stuff. no debates. constants in the great proofs of life. and apparently, on top of the big stuff I know isn't math, a lot more of it isn't than I realize. I can't even wrap my head around it. but apparently, I'm not supposed to.

wtf?

so, right. so I guess I should like, go work or something. because that's a piece of cake with all this shit rattling around in my head. I'm hitting one of those places where I don't know what the fuck is going to come out, so I'm trying not to talk much. hence all the typing.