I like not having to

I like not having to come up with a title if I don't feel like it. and the font is all cute and tight and well placed as I type, apparently from some technicalities that kristin fiddled around with recently. some kind of new something that wasn't even english to me. but apparently it makes things all kinds of better.

so, yeah. so I've been taking some cool pictures lately - posts to follow. most notably of raf, colin meloy and laura viers, and a recent trip to the wadsworth in hartford. which was initially disappointing, but worth the ten bucks to stand next to stuff that was like, ten thousand years old. raf touched one of the lions from like, 300 BC or something. it was cool. luckily they didn't kick us out.

I know I need to be (typing) writing and I don't quite know what it is I need to be saying though - there's that fear of being as open as possible because of who may be reading, but then I remember that there's probably less than a dozen people keeping track of what I'm babbling about on here anyways and the shit really just doesn't matter as much as I think it does. but still.

I've been suffering from exploding head dilemma lately, and it's mostly gone... save for some poorly placed aftershocks. all that other crap I kept re-living seemed to subside, and now it's mostly getting used to a bout of financial insecurity. borrowing from myself on a credit card, temporarily, is still a little nerve-wracking and the combination of that and too much time on my hands at work is making me want to jump out the window some days. not literally, but... the "mental gymnastics" are getting exhausting, as a friend of mine puts it. and when that's feeling like it's manageable, right under the surface is a whole bunch of stuff: my dad, my mom, getting older, wanting to make sure I'm making the most out of my life, fear, falling in love, staying sober, staying healthy...

yep. falling in love. you heard me. that one isn't next to fear by accident, you know?

so valentine's day was so great - I had a meltdown the day before at donna's about all this stuff, getting mad about things that didn't matter, having a skewed perception of what was and wasn't important - most of which had nothing to do with my boyfriend or my friends, yet that's where I find myself taking it out the most - so all of that subsides and I found myself really able to show up the next day. and not just in a fake-it way, but in a very real here-and-now way. we were going to make dinner, but wound up deciding to go to a meeting instead, and it was fine. and I was able to say, you know what? we need to do whatever we need to do, and it's not the end of the world, and we can just make dinner later or not do it at all and just hang out and it's really no big deal. and it was really no big deal. I'm making such a point of this because, if you didn't know me back then, I used to bawl my eyes out over waking up late or not being able to find the perfect thing to wear or someone saying something to me that was even a little bit sideways. I was incapacitated by - well, by me. so this is huge, monumental, stellar, fabulous growth, for me to not only do and say this stuff, but to mean it as well.

and later on in the night found me in tears, not from some fight that I started or some made-up thing I used as an excuse to lose my mind over, but because I was really sitting down with someone I cared about and telling them how I really felt. because I was afraid (see above), because going "all in" and putting your heart on the line isn't necessarily the easiest thing to do when you've been emotionally run over about ten thousand times.

the beatles are on, and suddenly I want to go make mix tapes. which means I'll end up sitting here for hours trying to get things right. I don't know if I really have the energy for that.

yeah. so, it's easier to keep things at arm's length than it is to stand and face your fears in a kitchen on whitney avenue, or in the car late at night, or wherever it takes us. but easy never made me feel better about myself, you know? I always felt like, well, next time, maybe I'll say something. next time that thing comes up, I'll do it differently - and that stops working after a while.

so, valentine's day, work, pictures, making out on the couch during a snowstorm, a cat that snores, super secret double probation goodness that I can't quite talk about yet (hint: I'm getting one of my pictures published somewhere REALLY cool) and an overflowing laundry basket and now, all I can think about is making that damn mix tape. it's early. I'm going to go give it a shot.

with earplugs and perfect edits for all,

~vvb