...

and what if it was all over tomorrow, would you be happy? would you watch those last moments fly past like the pavement flying towards your face and smile, because you knew you had no regrets? did you say everything you wanted to say? or did you wait to see what happened...

maybe I'll be a missed connection. maybe someday I'll feel differently about that. maybe I'll call him next week. I wonder if this looks okay. I can't do that, what would she think? I can't say that, because then they'd know...

here are my dreams and my world, here at this keyboard at the end of my fingertips. slowly but surely the bliss that looms ahead becomes more tangible, as I rid myself of things in stages and tape up pictures in perfect places and send emails without expecting the answers. where I play pretend and make sure that I've got the tickets and the sparkles for the perfect city night. I'll tell you that I'm terrified or happy, whatever the day decided to bring me, whatever I decided to pay attention to. I don't watch the news. I ripped off my fake fingernails. I stopped carrying around shit from place to place that was just weighing me down and making me sad about all the things I forgot or wasn't or didn't know how to do.

today I have friends that I hold wrapped in my heartstrings. one of them is at the hospital, consoling a woman who has to make the decision to deal with her husband's bike accident last night, or to check out, whatever she can handle. the doctors are talking about making decisions. she's asking when he can come home. I'm going to see them all and hold their hands as my mother lies eight floors above us, poison feeding through her veins in the hopes that she'll be better soon.

and we were never the same again.