preliminary test results

or, figuring out What I Want To Do With My (So-Called) Life, Stage I.

so in my various states of unrest, I've tried to stay simple and clear. who am I, where am I going, what am I supposed to be doing - these are tough mindbending freak you out if you think too hard kinds of questions. I'm taking the suggestions of friends, the pulls of the universe and instincts, and wrapping them up to some basic conclusions. and what I can get to so far is What I Like and What I Don't.

the biggest quandry seems to be the job. do something I don't believe in to make good money so I can do the cool things I want to do, or do something I do believe in and live more frugally than I've ever imagined. but who ever said I've got to be at one of those extremes? take my chosen / given monetary profession: mortgage broker. source of unrest? feeding the corporate machine. perpetuating the myth that you are only as good as (a) the amount of money you can afford to spend at home depot, (b) your ability to retile your bathroom in one weekend, and (c) the green lushness factor of your yard. now, being the reformed hippie that I am, I've been having attacks of supporting "the man" and his "machine" and have become incredibly disillusioned with the whole thing. and said, universe, when I move to portland, I'm going to scrub toilets for a non-profit so at least I'm fulfilled.

then I got a call from jennifer placanica.

see, I've refinanced jennifer several times and have helped her out with some credit counseling and financial advice. the most recent call was to determine if it made sense to take her $50,000 home equity (which is on a prime-based adjustable and rising) and roll it in to the $300,000+ first mortgage that she has at a fixed rate of 5.5% to see if it saved her anything. most brokers, at this point, would smell a hefty six-figure opportunity. I, however, spent about half an hour on the phone with her discussing the various logistics of six different ways that she shouldn't be refinancing. I helped. I'm not a shark. I don't wear a big button on my suit that says "I sell money!", come to think of it, I don't wear a suit. I don't even think I own one, unless you count track or my cordouroy jacket.

it hits me. a week later, when I've felt off for a bit, where things seem pale and lifeless and I can't seem to hear anything. which usually means I haven't heard whatever I've already been told, or I haven't read what I've already been exposed to, or something.

I am helpful. I am good at my job. and if people have the drive to manicure their lawns because they want a pretty place to play for their puppies and toddlers like I have the drive to do whatever's calling, then who am I to judge it / them? and furthermore, if I was able to do this job for some good people in a more interesting place, I'd like it. not any more or any less, it would just be a different version of now - a good company with good people that know it doesn't matter what color my hair is because I'm good at my job. where I can not be a scumbag. where I can do what I've been doing for the last ten years and continue to build on the reputation that I've got of being kind and helpful and consistent and good and stuff. where I could keep the flexible schedule that I need so I can do the things I want to pursue - go to shows and shoot bands without having to drive for three hours and take some photography classes and maybe put together portfolios or get into a pseudo art gallery on the walls of the local coffee shop. not to say I couldn't do those things here, but the scene in new haven leaves me wanting. and why the fuck not go do this somewhere else? life is short. maybe it's just time for a change of scenery, or maybe my duck is in portland, I don't know. maybe I just need to be near the one person who knows my soul so we can throw sparkles around and watch the sunsets together.

there's no pressure cooker here except for the one I seem to feel the need to put myself in occasionally. and when I really look at What I Want, those are the things that feel comfortable and right. for now, at least. and maybe it will change, or not, I know that the universe has its plans and I'll wind up exactly where I'm supposed to be. but it's nice that my mind has decided to quiet down about it for now.

I am okay. sans obnoxious button and toilet scrubber.

with pink stains everywhere and lots of love,

~angela